jaybutnew

Life passes by in a blur of bright lights and noise,

You hold my hand through it all.

I listen to music louder than I should,

To keep walking beside you.

You are here with me, but I am eons away.

I am wolf in sheep’s clothing,

Patient, starving, controlled.

I am Tantalus, punished by nearness;

Forever craving, never fed.

You walk in front of me,

Unaware of the war I carry.

This is not casual affection,

I crave like a man starved.

My jaw aches,

I crave to bite,

To dig my teeth into skin,

to hold on tightly.

You are always just out of reach,

Close enough to feel your warmth,

Far enough for me to fall short.

Please, come closer, my love.

I will rip my claws off my hands,

I will file my teeth down,

I will crop my ears,

All to be worthy of you.

For I am Tantalous,

Punished by the divine.

You are my salvation.

Born into his punishment,

His in death, mine in every waking breath,

Pushing that damned rock uphill.

Up,

Up,

Up,

Up the hill I go,

Heat gathering in my bones,

Coiling under my skin like a pulse with teeth.

My legs scream,

My arms tear,

My jaw locks,

My eyes leak.

The summit never nears.

I don’t know why I keep trying.

The rock slips always just before the peak,

Ripping itself from my grasp,

Tumbling into the depths below.

And I go after it, because I always do.

I’m hungry.

There is nothing appetizing in the fridge.

Nothing calls for me.

Just ingredients with no set purpose.

I just need something to fill my stomach.

I have no desire for flavor.

I choose something simple.

Something I have not eaten since childhood,

When my biggest fears were the dark

And the bug I found in my shoe.

The steps are muscle memory.

A cup of this and a pinch of that.

Stir while on medium heat for a breath.

Throw on a plate and eat.

No thoughts besides the technical.

I pause after the first spoonful.

It’s lumpy and I’m sure I forgot a step.

It’s imperfect and wrong.

Something in my chest blooms anyway.

I eat.

Tears slide down my face.

A sob tears through the silence of my kitchen.

My chest hurts like torn anew.

It was just a meal.

Why am I fucking crying?!

I cry.

I cry for simpler times.

I cry for love long gone.

I cry because I am alone.

Because I am tired.

Because I don’t know what else to do.

The sobs turn sharp,

Caught somewhere between grief and rage.

I slam the spoon down.

I want it to stop.

I cry. I miss.

I remember, and it burns.

I stand in my kitchen,

Shaking,

Missing the quiet,

Missing the child I once was –

I don’t know how I feel.

I keep staring into the distance,

waiting for something to move inside me —

but nothing does.

Sometimes I see a place

that feels emptied of its soul.

There could be ten people there,

a dog chasing wind,

laughter spilling into the air —

and still, it feels hollow.

It makes no sense.

Spaces don’t feel.

They have no pulse, no thought,

only what we breathe into them.

Yet something in me insists

something is missing.

The train rocks gently.

Empty seats face me

like ghosts of purpose,

the window behind them flashing

a beautiful view —

too alive for how quiet I’ve become.

I tell myself this is beauty,

but all I can feel

Mama. Mama.

Look – I’m here.

Mama, I love you.

Do you love me too?

Do you see me breathing?

Do you see me breathing?

Mama, look!

I did what you asked!

I finished my tasks.

I held my hands still.

Did I do good?

Did I make you proud?

Mama. Mama.

Hear me please.

I love you.

Do you love me too?

I swear I’ll be better.

I promise I’ll do good.

Mama. Mama.

Please don’t shout.

I love you.

Please say you love me too.

I gave you what I could.

I wish I was good enough.

Mama. Mama.

Please stop hurting me.

I love you.

Did you ever love me?

I’m scared to lose you.

I’m scared of you.

Mama. Mama.

Please don’t cry.

I loved you.

You never told me you did.

I am grown,

And I am strong.

I will leave,

And take my heart.

Stop breaking me,

I won’t stay.

Collab with the wonderful Obelis — the creator behind The Recloseted Lesbian, Meow Are You?, War and Tea, and more on Webtoon!

Go check out their amazing work here:

This account is where I’m gonna be sharing my poems and art collabs.

I’m doing this for nothing else but my own enjoyment, chasing that sweet hit of dopamine!