Dusk Hallow

I never wished to be born. If only I had a choice I wouldn't let it happen. Being born in this world where you are never wanted is the most painful thing I have felt.

If only there was a chance for me to choose how my life would be written. I won't even lift a finger to hold a pen.

In Filipino we always say, “Kung ano ang puno ay siya ring bunga.”

No, we can't be sure of that. We will never be sure of that.

What if she's better than the tree itself? Or worse than our nightmares? But are we only going to trust what we believe and never the facts hidden inside?

In the 2028 election, we will hear beautiful melodies once again. We will be served with sweet dessert once more. They will flood us with their sugar-coated words all over again and only to realize later we’re the ones who are going to pay the price.

Are we not sick yet of their broken promises? Are we going to believe their empty words again?

I hope not.

Because someday, another chance may never come.

Those words are the only thing that's left behind like a fresh moment that's stuck in my mind forever.

I saw water and fire.

In the first scenario, the water is chasing me in the form of a rapidly rising flood. I have friends there who hold my hands while running away. The next thing I knew we were in some unknown forest. Our so-called parents were with us. Meanwhile, my friends became my siblings.

Originally, there were three.....then suddenly two were left.

We saw a small but terrifying beast that chased after us. I remembered it was just a dream, so I tried pinching myself awake but it wasn’t working.

We climbed the first tree we saw. I suddenly felt something in my hand. Something bit me. I tried to shake it off, but it wouldn’t let go. The beast that was chasing us vanished in an instant.

Then our mother reminded us of something I cannot recall. I didn't hear it.

But I know she said something.

Out of the blue, one of my sisters acted strange. As if she was infected with an obscure thing. Is she bitten too?

How come she acted that way when I am the one who got bitten?

Eerie.

In a flash back, I saw myself in a house I am not familiar with. My sisters are gone, but our parents were there with someone odd, a man that is according to them is my brother. He's kind of familiar just like my infected sister.

He’s not the person I think he is, is he? He cannot be.

I am freaking terrified especially when he chases after me. I know it's just a dream but I can't wake myself up. I ran for my life and went out with my parents, then my mother took a fire (it looked like a fire extinguisher but blew out fire) and pointed it to the house till it became ashes.

My father was just standing there. 

Indifferent.

That dream felt unbearably terrifying. It felt so real, the fear was extremely unexplainable. And just like all my dreams, all the people from that dream are faceless. I can't see who they are, but I felt like I knew them.

In the middle of the night, I woke up. Darkness consumed my eyes and I heard some disturbing sounds. I am still sleepy but I tried to pull myself together to not fall asleep.

I am afraid. Terrified.

If there's only another word to explain how I felt. It is, whatever it could be.

I fell asleep even though I tried not to. I saw the same dream with a different scenario. Frightened, I pulled myself up. I guess, we can't really control our body even if we live in it.

Heart beating fast. I looked around only to see pitch black darkness…and hear deafening silence. I felt like something heavy was pressing in my chest. It's 1 am, and I am wide awake. Not wanting to sleep again.

Do you know what frightened me the most?

Waking up from that nightmare.

And the thought that it might continue the moment I close my eyes again.

Now, our government no longer holds power to provide protection to its constituency. It gets weaker each day, the protectors become the oppressors. Filipinos are struggling each day, striving every hour, and solely dreaming for a better tomorrow.

Will it only stay as a dream?

When will our country become the place we once loved and are proud of?

The Filipinos’ wrath may remain nothing more than a voice that will never be heard. No matter how long we fight for what’s right, they will never listen. For they have chosen deafness over truth, and blindness over the people they vowed to serve.

In this lifetime,

We will have a different path to take.

Weeks, months, and years will pass,

My name will slowly fade in your mind.

Our fate will never rhyme,

Like we used to dream through the night.

It was a magnificent short period of time.

Those moments will stay with me long after we fade.

My affection for you will never be compared to anything.

I’m afraid I will always find a glimpse of you in everyone I meet.

You embraced my most authentic self,

With you I can be me without judgement.

I don’t regret meeting you unexpectedly,

I only regret leaving you without a trace.

In this lifetime, we were only lessons for each other.

But in this lifetime you will always be my querencia.

I just chose myself over you.

I chose peace over my feelings for you.

I chose a quiet life instead of keeping you.

If keeping you by my side means pain,

Then I’d rather let you go than continue this pain.

Loving you is like holding on a sharp string,

The tighter I hold on, the deeper the pain becomes.

It was hard to let go.

I can still bear the pain alone,

However, someone else has been suffering so much from behind.

She tried to be strong but we caused so much pain and trauma to her innocent self.

I am also a woman,

I cannot bear to let this happen to her.

I love you desperately.

However, everything has an ending.

I know you don't want to end it.

That’s why I swallowed my pain.

And chose to end everything between us.

Time will pass and you’ll forget about me one day.

I still love you, if only you knew.

But I will only keep it to myself.

My existence in your life has already faded,

I’m already accepting the fact that there will never be an us in this lifetime.

I wish he was just someone who would never glance at my way. Someone I would only admire from afar so it will be easy for me to love him freely and move on slowly when it's time and I am ready.

It's easier to accept something you know you'd never have a chance to begin with. Not with someone who makes you feel special, loved, and admired but turns out he's already sealed to somebody else.

I didn't just fall in love. I also caused pain to a woman whose existence I never knew. A woman hidden behind the person I loved the most.

What if I knew it from the start would I still be this crazy in love?

What if I already knew it from the beginning but chose to continue because I can't seem to rip the rope of my love for him?

Am I also at fault?

We gave them power and authority to provide us with a better world to live in, to protect us, and to serve us. However, nowadays they are more focused on themselves. Their promises are gone and only leave us a sweet taste of candy that could never last long. Even dogs are more loyal than them, they are loyal till their last breath, not them.

Now, I no longer know who should be trusted anymore, or if I should still have hope for this country?