Im a furry

Peeking out of retirement to speak on this.

So I’m on PornHub getting wet over Ryan Madison vids, as you do. I come across one where he’s up to his usual shit, but according to over 230 likes in the comments, this one somehow stands heads and shoulders above the rest. Why?

Because this time, the chick “reaaaallly seems into it!” “Great chemistry!” “I think she really wanted him to cum in her!”

I re-watch, thinking I’d missed something, but nope. This chick remained one of the worst fakers, and these poor bastards didn’t know the difference.

I’m here to put you niggas on.

How to Tell a Woman is Faking: General Rules of Thumb

1.) Loud, Staccato Noises

This chick’s (and so many others’) tell was a litany of loud moans that all sounded the same in tone, pitch and volume. To the untrained (i.e. typical male) ear, the volume and consistency suggested intensity, when in reality it was just bad acting.

Her entire focus was on MAKING NOISE bc there was no PHYSICAL pleasure to preoccupy her. A woman headed for a real nut does not have the mental capacity to make sure she sounds “good”

A pleasured woman releases (notice I didn’t say “makes” as that suggests manufacture) a varied series of sounds - grunts, groans, sighs, coos, whimpers, screams and swears - all at different intensities, pitch and volume. The sounds are unchecked bc she’s too preoccupied with cumming to give a damn.

And let me tell you, if a woman’s cumming hard, she can sound every bit as guttural as a man. If all you’re ever getting is gentle, Princess Peach sighs, your stroke is likely lacking.

*If she sounds like she’s giving birth, running a marathon, enjoying a delicious meal, or reacting to a gift of money or jewelry, you’re doing it right.*

Note: A lot of ladies make little or no noise at all, and that’s fine. She will still give you physical cues. If she starts grabbing at your hair, shoulders, ass or arms, she’s into it. Rubbing her clit is a good sign too. (Watch how she rubs it, then pull out and replicate her movements with the tip of your dick. Thank me later.) Means it feels good and she’s trying to make it feel even better.

2.) Limp Feet

If she’s not a.) driving her heels into the mattress (or into your back), b.) flexing her feet, or c.) curling her toes, odds she came are SLIM to NONE. If you are a girl who can cum hard without getting your feet involuntarily involved, please let me know bc you are a rare and beautiful bird.

3.) Talking Shit

Dirty talk is great in the beginning, but if she’s doing it non-stop, she’s probably nowhere near cumming. She should’ve at least paused at the moment of climax. When it’s on, I can’t even remember my own fucking name, much less encourage you to fill my dirty fuckhole with your hot man mustard. If you’ve done your job right, your girl should barely be coherent, much less conversational.

4.) Excessive Smiling or Giggling

Same idea as above. Getting fucked to within an inch or your life is no laughing matter. If you’re really about to make me cum hard, my only concerns are grabbing onto something and trying to survive. I ain’t got no time to be flirty or cute with you.

5.) Blank or Unchanging Facial Expression

One of the last vids I watched was of a flawless black goddess clearly enjoying every stroke she was getting. Her noises were genuine and sexy, a natural expression of the pleasure she was feeling. Her expression looked a bit like she was going to cry.

Some dumbass comments, “Boy, she makes it look like it hurts.”

I’m not mad at dumbass. Just disappointed at how grossly mislead some of you guys are.

Understand, good dick humbles us. It makes us want to be better people. Makes us appreciate life, love and God’s beautiful creation. It makes us want to water our plants more consistently, suck our man’s dick better, adopt a puppy. And when we feel this way, we sometimes look like we want to cry a little because maybe sometimes we do. A lil.

An authentic female orgasm face can also include:

a.) look of actual outrage at how good the dick is,

b.) look of tender awe like we’re seeing Jesus at the Transfiguration bc your dick has saved our soul

c.) look of mild disgust with ourselves bc we know we’ll now put up with anything to keep getting such quality dick

That’s about it. I know some fellas are savvy enough to have put all this together already, but I’m shocked and saddened at the number of men are totally fooled.

Please support your pornstars. They are earning a living, and it’s not their fault the sex is garbage. Like a lot of girls irl, they just wanna make you cum, even if they can’t:(

Please take these cues to heart. If you spot your chick faking, do better.