Imitation Worlder

This has been giving me peace lately. 

Wait for it...around 2:30. This was playing while studying and I had to stop.

Finally, on the J-pop front there are 3 new singles that I pretty much listen to on repeat ad nauseam. Negoto’s is absolute beautiful, Hoshino Gen’s is par for the course for his style (which isn’t a bad thing), and of course I like anything Perfume puts out by default. 

That’s all I got folks~

See that? That’s what a week off of school and work looks like! …and $10 billion in economic damage and utter destruction of livelyhoods. But who’s keeping track *shrug*

I’m more aware of my flaws, but I see that as opportunity. I feel like I’m maturing and really starting to grasp what I want out of life. Hurray!

Goodbye forever.

So social media definitely isn’t my thing. Turns out prefer handwriting things in a journal, so this blog isn’t really doing what I intended it to do. But oh well, it’s here if I need it. But I will talk a little bit. I doubt anyone will ever read this, it’s more for therapeutic reasons. But on the off chance someone does, thanks I guess (?) It’s hard to even figure out where to start. Long story short I was in an abusive, one-sided friendship and didn’t realize it until 2 years had gone by. Maybe I was just lonely, but I let myself be completely taken advantage of and was promptly disposed of when I was no longer of use.  Knowing a little about her past, I can understand why Charamy is the way she is. The combination of having (in her eyes) a weak father figure and being treated badly in previous relationships leaves her in a state of always needing control. Also, she’s never had a strong sense of self-worth to begin with, so when she does fall short in a relationship (friendship or otherwise), she has a hard time admitting mistakes and apologizing.  And I understood that going in. It was the extent that I misjudged. Everyone has a limit, and mine was reached. Everything was my fault. Always. Whenever there was tension, it was because I had some sort of disability that needed to be addressed. It was 2 years of me feeling worthless and desperately (hopelessly?) trying to win her favor. The attitude was always that of me having to earn her when I so freely gave myself from day one. I can understand the hesitation in new relationships, but after 2 years of unconditional support....I just hit a goddamn wall. No longer would I put up with “go talk to your therapist”, “you fucked up”, “you’re dysfunctional”. No longer would I let her immaturity constitute shortcomings on my part. I can’t remember details at this point, but when I could no longer put up with the imbalance, when I just needed to talk...she left. For her it was easier to leave than it was to apologize. I don’t think she even saw the need to apologize. Of course, to her it might just all be my issue...because surely she doesn’t cause any drama (pff). It’s an understatement to say I was close to her. Probably closer to her than any girl I’ve known despite never dating her. I would also be lying if I said I didn’t get anything out of it. Of course she left an effect on me. But was it worth what I gave to her? Not at all. There’s probably much more to say. But before I can face her at Taiko, and before I can focus on the things that I enjoy, and before I can continue being myself...I had to get a little bit out. 

At least that’s how I view friendship. It’s more than having things in common, it’s an effort. Relationships are hard.

Go + Milk Tea = My ideal Thursday night <3

Organ > rush hour traffic

Good luck out there. Thanks, myself! 

This lame tumblr’s namesake is brought to you courtesy of my favorite band, Perfume! The song “Imitation World”, although not my favorite, captures what I’d like to be my vibe. I.e. easygoing, not rushed, sincere, fun, with a dash of “he’s in his own little world” (...an Imitation World!!). As a person I’m not there yet, but working on it.

I’m trying this whole “blog” thing, and as a run-of-the-mill introvert, this is somewhat of a big deal. Wish me luck, folks!