Yummy Headcanons

maybe with him crushing on a fellow spy/soldier reader?? 👀

thanks! have a nice day!

Yeah sure, i will after finishing a little edgewort x reader im doing and then i will be free.

Russian reader:

•you either follow him like a doggy if he’s your boss or he will follow you if your the boss (im big bossing it.)

•but it’s most likely your’s his subordinate. So where ever he goes he’s bringing you as his body guard, but if there is any actual danger you will immediatly be sent to report to base (he dosn’t want his pokie bear to get hurt).

•this applies both to russian and american reader, you gotta be a gun nerd or he’s dumping you for snake, or maybe you can be a love triangle.

•his main love language is subtel act of service, and loves quick ego boosts from pretty words of compliment from you.

•oh and don’t even tink about keeping the relation ship private, he’s showing you off like a trophy to everyone.

American reader:

Ok i just realized that the only difference is that this relationship is secret, yet everyone would know about it.

And he’s also way more controlling of you.

So either way it isn’t exactly healty.

So if it feels inescapable and like evidence of it is everywhere, whether at times or always, that might just because you're in a Western country where you're surrounded by Christians who believe that, fundamentally, in their worldview. And also they talk and make art about it all the time and run the vast majority of news outlets. And spent over a thousand years burning any art or texts that disagreed with them. Etc. etc.

If you're gonna come to as drastic and painful a conclusion as that, at least take the time first to make sure you're not working with biased evidence (surrounded by too many people and cultural products that believe original sin is real)

how often do we find human remains / burials attributable to a peaceful death of old age, or at least to disease / wild animals? and attributable to human violence, i.e. with traces of weapon impacts?

I personally am much more convinced and compelled by newer theories that, if any piece of technology made us human, it was not the weapon - it was the carrier bag, the story, and/or fire. (But not fire with the primary purpose of violence, mind you - fire with the primary purpose of heat and food and sanitation)

Here's a quote on this from one of my absolute favorite thinkers and writers, Ursula K. Le Guin:

If you haven't got something to put it in, food will escape you- even something as uncombative and unresourceful as an oat. You put as many as you can into your stomach while they are handy, that being the primary container; but what about tomorrow morning when you wake up and it's cold and raining and wouldn't it be good to have just a few handfuls of oats to chew on and give little Oom to make her shut up, but how do you get more than one stomachful and one handful home? So you get up and go to the damned soggy oat patch in the rain, and wouldn't it be a good thing if you had something to put Baby Oo Oo in so that you could pick the oats with both hands? A leaf a gourd a shell a net a bag a sling a sack a bottle a pot a box a container. A holder. A recipient. The first cultural device was probably a recipient. . . . Many theorizers feel that the earliest cultural inventions must have been a container to hold gathered products and some kind of sling or net carrier. So says Elizabeth Fisher in Women's Creation (McGraw-Hill, 1975). But no, this cannot be. Where is that wonderful, big, long, hard thing, a bone, I believe, that the Ape Man first bashed somebody with in the movie and then, grunting with ecstasy at having achieved the first proper murder, flung up into the sky...? I don't know. I don 't even care. I'm not telling that story. We've heard it, we've all heard all about all the sticks and spears and swords, the things to bash and poke and hit with, the long, hard things, but we have not heard about the thing to put things in, the container for the thing contained. That is a new story. That is news... It sometimes seems that that story is approaching its end. Lest there be no more telling of stories at all , some of us out here in the wild oats, amid the alien corn, think we'd better start telling another one, which maybe people can go on with when the old one's fin- ished. Maybe. The trouble is , we've all let ourselves become part of the killer story, and so we may get finished along with it. Hence it is with a certain feeling of urgency that I seek the nature, subject, words of the other story, the untold one, the life story.

Fire is literally the reason our brains are larger than any other species of ape's, because harnessing fire meant we spent radically less energy spent on digestion - and those excess resources instead changed the evolution of the human brain.

Also fire is probably the reason we're not fully covered in hair anymore, evolutionarily - because we evolved in equatorial Africa, where not wearing a fur coat everywhere was an evolutionary advantage due to, you know, the temperature of it all. Once we could make our own heat to survive the cold nights and winters, less insulation was a huge evolutionary advance in equatorial regions especially

Wherever humans have gone in the world, they have carried with them two things, language and fire. As they traveled through tropical forests they hoarded the precious embers of old fires and sheltered them from downpours. When they settled the barren Arctic, they took with them the memory of fire, and recreated it in stoneware vessels filled with animal fat. Darwin himself considered these the two most significant achievements of humanity. It is, of course, impossible to imagine a human society that does not have language, but—given the right climate and an adequacy of raw wild food—could there be a primitive tribe that survives without cooking? In fact, no such people have ever been found. Nor will they be, according to a provocative theory by Harvard biologist Richard Wrangham, who believes that fire is needed to fuel the organ that makes possible all the other products of culture, language included: the human brain. Every animal on earth is constrained by its energy budget; the calories obtained from food will stretch only so far. And for most human beings, most of the time, these calories are burned not at the gym, but invisibly, in powering the heart, the digestive system and especially the brain, in the silent work of moving molecules around within and among its 100 billion cells. A human body at rest devotes roughly one-fifth of its energy to the brain, regardless of whether it is thinking anything useful, or even thinking at all. Thus, the unprecedented increase in brain size that hominids embarked on around 1.8 million years ago had to be paid for with added calories either taken in or diverted from some other function in the body. Many anthropologists think the key breakthrough was adding meat to the diet. But Wrangham and his Harvard colleague Rachel Carmody think that’s only a part of what was going on in evolution at the time. What matters, they say, is not just how many calories you can put into your mouth, but what happens to the food once it gets there. How much useful energy does it provide, after subtracting the calories spent in chewing, swallowing and digesting? The real breakthrough, they argue, was cooking.

-via Smithsonian Magazine, June 2013. Emphasis mine. In the time since this article was published, what was considered a "provocative theory" in 2013 has become a matter of increasing scientific evidence and scientific consensus.

Richard Wrangham lays out his theory as a whole in his 2010 book Catching Fire: How Cooking Made Us Human.

For more current summaries on the history of fire, and scientific and archeological evidence for its role in human evolution:

Evolutionary fire ecology: An historical account and future directions. August 2023. BioScience, volume 73, issue 8, pages 602–608. Permalink: https://doi.org/10.1093/biosci/biad059, paywall-free.

The discovery of fire by humans: a long and convoluted process. By J. A. J. Gowlett. June 2016. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B, volume 371, issue 1696, epage 20150164. Permalink: doi.org/10.1098/rstb.2015.0164, paywall free.

Or, less scholarly:

Current archeological evidence suggests that humans are, if anything, defined by the hearthfire.

By cooking. By our ability to keep ourselves warm. By our ability to provide for ourselves and each other. By humanity's millennia-long quest to beat back the ravages of starvation and hunger.

Humans are slefish, violent, wrathfull and envious.

It was inprinted in the genetic codes fo our neurological sistem to increas survival.

It made us safer but alone.

And now all of this is usless, but giust like a moth flies to fire, humans will isolate themself to obtain more power.

It’s impossible to delete an instict old more than milions of years.

The only thing is that now we live in a society and lonliness will turn into madness thanks to our capability of having complex toughts, and masness brings more isolasolation.

Yes you can! The idea is very intruiging honestly, if you want to specify more write in the comments of the post.

A/n: you probably intended it in a romantic one-shot way but it turned out platonic head canons, im sorry for being such a usless fucking dumbass, hope you forgive me.

Warning: reginald.

•your one of his only friends (w robur and azuri) so he is very protective, despite the fact that with you being a centuar you have the strengt of 5 higly trained men, and also being heavely armored at all times. (Medieval horse armor is dope as hell)

•and being the war horse of good ol’ reggie does bring his fair amount of advantages too, for example, living in the castle of titanic size or having all your needs at reach.

•belive it or not, despite how looks on the outside, he is the biggest softie of trinity.

•he’s lwk obsessed by knowing everithing about your kind, wich can be cute at first, untile it’s just a swarm of the most random questions ever.

•his troops might act weirdly around you or look at you strangely. Nothing much, but there are some cinder block headed idiots who try to ride on your back out of nowere while you were just tryng to relax. Needles to say that if reggie finds those fuckers, they are either fired on the spot and excluded from other job offers or exiled. Remember when i said that he is over protective? Yeah this are the results. But im not complaining honestly.

•but there are 2 obvious down sides, your probably being overworked as hell and have to put up with reginald, who constantly wants to fight everone, including you.(the worst one).

The reason you are overworked is because your one of a kind resource, and the trinity council knows that, so for every fight that reginald gets in, your also there. A.K.A. Almost always, but atleast thanks to your combined strengths they never actualy get too serius.

your avatar is THIS

I assume you mean date LOL

Yes you can! The idea is very intruiging honestly, if you want to specify more write in the comments of the post.

A/n: you probably intended it in a romantic one-shot way but it turned out platonic head canons, im sorry for being such a usless fucking dumbass, hope you forgive me.

Warning: reginald.

•your one of his only friends (w robur and azuri) so he is very protective, despite the fact that with you being a centuar you have the strengt of 5 higly trained men, and also being heavely armored at all times. (Medieval horse armor is dope as hell)

•and being the war horse of good ol’ reggie does bring his fair amount of advantages too, for example, living in the castle of titanic size or having all your needs at reach.

•belive it or not, despite how looks on the outside, he is the biggest softie of trinity.

•he’s lwk obsessed by knowing everithing about your kind, wich can be cute at first, untile it’s just a swarm of the most random questions ever.

•his troops might act weirdly around you or look at you strangely. Nothing much, but there are some cinder block headed idiots who try to ride on your back out of nowere while you were just tryng to relax. Needles to say that if reggie finds those fuckers, they are either fired on the spot and excluded from other job offers or exiled. Remember when i said that he is over protective? Yeah this are the results. But im not complaining honestly.

•but there are 2 obvious down sides, your probably being overworked as hell and have to put up with reginald, who constantly wants to fight everone, including you.(the worst one).

The reason you are overworked is because your one of a kind resource, and the trinity council knows that, so for every fight that reginald gets in, your also there. A.K.A. Almost always, but atleast thanks to your combined strengths they never actualy get too serius.