Getting Clean

And dredge up the past

I had a high school reunion party planned for months and one person showed up. We still managed to have a good time, but I am so deeply sad. We went out and ran into girls from my graduating class. One of them mentioned my ex that I’m still enamored with. A lot of really hard things to accept tonight. I want him back in my life for so many reasons. But, I HAVE TO accept that he does not want me back in his.  

Tonight

-stress reliever

-I can be an example to others

Because I do. not. want it

So I became an addict, addicted to escape, desperate to escape my house, my father. I felt trapped. I WAS trapped. I turned to things and people that promised escape. I dreamt up fantasies in my head then tried to live them out. I dread conversations with this man. I go about my life and he fades from my mind. Then something comes up and I have to confess to my “wrongs.” He finds out things that I’ve done “wrong.” A financial decision, an accident in my car, the fact that I’m addicted to nicotine. Things seem okay until that anxiety comes crashing in. That anxiety that “he knows, therefore I have to stop. I have to change. I’m not ready to change. But he gives me no alternative.” I have to remember that this is his parenting style. HIS parenting style. I do not own his actions or his words. I am a person struggling to get by, to grow, to get better. He is not the be-all end-all. Just like I tell my friends about their latest love interests. He is NOT the be-all end-all. But he is my father. I do love him. I do hate him. It’s complicated. I’m working on it. I’m breathing through it. I could be doing more, but I relieve myself of the idea that I constantly need to be doing more. I spent a year doing the most and coming up short in every instance. I am here. I am me. I am enough.