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I am here.

Working at AMH, transferring to a surgical floor in January (exciting).

I am adored by a very good man. He opens doors and attends to me appropriately. He buys me everything (what a life!). Mueller says the right things and never lets me down. He is the best man I've ever had. I even think I love him. But. I am still bottomless.

He chose to stay here for me. He says no one has ever made him this happy. He bought me a beautiful necklace for xmas. He invited me to NY to meet the rest of his family. He is amazing yet tortures me exactly how I like. He does anything I want, but he's strong and critical. A masters degree in philosophy. We go everywhere and he thinks I'm "hot". We fuck in the kitchen and outside under the stars. I think about the moon and what he will cook me next. 

I am only for him now. All others are cut out. 

He knows how to use me but make me feel special. 

Kyle, you. I got so excited. "He's a Gerry." It's true.

I had an interview at AMH. I got the job at AMH. Only missed 1 question on the pharmacology exam. Registered Nurse on a Med/Surg floor starting March 11. I'm proud of myself. My dad is proud of me. This is what I want for now. Everything is in the order I needed it to be in. I did all the things on my list. This was on the list and I fucking did it. Another thing in a small list of things to do, done.

Now, I don't know. 

Anthony is a law student.

Justin is a designer.

Kyle.

Today was Thanksgiving.

Dad, Nick, and the Australian were in town. I brought BB to Dad's house but Otto is a dick. He growls whenever she's near him. He weighs 85lbs, she weighs 9lbs. Asshole.

Been working a regular schedule plus "on-call" $$$

Aunt D says she's got a job in acute care lined up for me starting beginning of January, and she'll get me in the ICU before she retires. Excellent.

Got tickets for Hawaii. Xmas is empty anyway.

Zip lining, volcano climbing, drinking, drinking, beach, dolphin shit, whatever, waterfalls, boats, drinking, hiking, bikes, other junk.

I'm stupid. I'm getting old. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm socially embarrassing. I don't dress well. I don't know what to order at new restaurants. I cry a lot in public on accident.

But I'm a good nurse. But I hate everyone who is not my patient, or my dad.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Kyle Barnes.

I am in disbelief still.

Kyle called while I was at work. Then he came over.

He is covered in tattoos but otherwise the same.

"I am going to fuck you so hard right now."

We fell asleep together after. He was always so sweet to me.

Oh look I'm still here for some reason(s).

I went to Cabo last week. Last weekend! It has already been more than a week since we returned. I don't remember anything because I don't care about anything. Maybe I've always been this way. Maybe it was the car accident. Jenn brought me donuts and she said I didn't even recognize her.

It's funny, the more you think about being alive, the less real you feel. You/I. If you are anything like me anyway, and I think we are all the same. Any half-intelligent smart ass with an interest in existence has probably shared my experience of sitting outside, with only partially-focused vision, hearing sounds and smelling grass, realizing that time is passing and you are inside of yourself. You are a body with a brain and a consciousness that exists in time and space. You interact with the world and with others for reasons that seem futile and sad.

I'm waiting for something to happen that isn't bad.

After graduating, passing NCLEX, getting my license, getting ACLS & PALS, I still don't care. Maybe when I get a new job I will care. I still work at the old hospital because I want to go to Hawaii.

Mexico, Hawaii, new job, start caring about myself (& others, but probably not).

I drove to NM with Steph to get my stuff.

Met up with Todd because I couldn't not do that.

I drank too much, we talked, we cried. I could tell he doesn't care. We fucked, I cried when we came (together, like we always did) but he thought I was laughing, we fucked some more. Pillow lips. He told me to spend the night. It was the same bed we had shared for a year, with the same sheets, the same comforter. He had pictures of me on his dresser. #sad

Still feels bad but a little bit lighter. Not as heavy. We get old and ugly and then we die alone. Everyone is dying in their own secretions. And my brain whispers things when I wake up like "ohh, maybe some day he'll miss me and it will work." BUT it's not a real thought, and I know it will go away eventually. I've stopped loving all of my ex boyfriends. I'll stop loving you some day too I guess.

I've found plenty of people who want me, now I have to find someone who I want back. Good luck. Everyone makes me sick.

Went out with Nicky tonight. He bought me a candy bracelet. We drank a lot. It's the only way for me to not be repulsed by people. Live outside of myself.

Driving to New Mexico on Monday. It doesn't mean anything but a waste. I waste things. But maybe Steph will enjoy our time. I hope she enjoys things there with me. I hope she's not angry if I agree to see him. But why would I do that? I was never given the chance to stop loving him. I never stopped. Now what do I do? I have to drink and drink. I had no idea I could drink so much.

I punched the steering wheel the whole way home. My knuckles are red and a little bloody. It hurt, then it felt good, then I didn't feel anything so when I got home I punched the side of a table to feel it again. I am a responsible adult human and I shouldn't be doing these things anymore.

I was never "young"

Went to a movie alone tonight. Saw Celeste and Jessie Forever. God damn it.

Tried to contact Justin but he didn't reply. He's been sick and wakes up early. Made a video on my phone in the parking garage to document two sounds that had been happening continuously since I had first arrived for the movie. Cried the whole way home. Boohoo, why why why. Cried for 30 minutes in the driveway. Texted Tod because I'm an idiot. No response. But what could he say to that? What do I even want him to say? Sometimes I think that this is best for us. That we weren't happy enough and we can find people better suited to our lifestyles. But god fuck we were happy. He's selfish and I am sad. I'm not an excellent, 100%, number one, always have a fucking good time girlfriend, but I am close to that. Hahahaha.

Davith is saying he is dumping the crazy waitress and then we will be together.

NO. The answer is NO. We haven't even spent time together in years! You are crazy. You should stay with the waitress. She is dramatic and cruel and jealous, but you must like that shit since you've been together for more than 3 years. Jesus. And for you to think you would dump her and pick me up in the same swoop. Men are idiots. Everyone is so stupid. I am so stupid for thinking this wouldn't happen. All of it. Everything happens.

Just watched Tiny Furniture. God.

Today I spent a lot of money because I've been so sad. I then came home and put everything away in a hurry. Everything in its right place. Now it feels as though nothing was accomplished. Except we ate lunch and I had a glass of sangria, and promptly started crying in public. In a restaurant. Is this my life(?) La la la la, la. Breathing underwater and all that. "It has been a long time." How long does it take to forget that you worked really hard to cultivate something exciting and rich, only to be told it was for nothing? Without a conversation, without discussion, without respect or love. I am not his lobster. Boohoo.

Another day.

Remember Tod called last Sunday and left a message saying he would try again sometime. He doesn't work on Sundays so I assumed he would call again yesterday, and thus had a desperate dark ocean of sadness crush me to bits. I couldn't stop crying, thinking about what I would want to say to him. Crying for an hour, decided to text him. Asked him not to call. It hasn't been long enough. I am a strong person but I can't stand up when I think about what I want to say. I wish he could feel something that I am feeling when it's all upside down and nothing matters.

Moments of sadness have come and gone in my life. Everyone dies or goes away, but it's never been so heavy. So draining and fucked. I am still so fucked up! Zola Jesus! Help! Fuck man.

I don't give a shit about so many people! There are so many people who I know and who try to know me, and if I never saw anyone again I wouldn't notice.

This was different. Not melodramatic (I am a sensible adult woman), but seriously different. 9 years of knowing someone was a piece of you and still is, but doesn't want you anymore. Because.

I'll always love him. I don't WANT to love anyone else. But I know I will love other people. Other men with big dicks. And I hate him for that. I hate him so much. I want to rip out all of my veins so I don't have to be reminded. Spoon out my eyes so everything is as empty as I can feel. Tear off my face because I don't need it. I don't need anything. If I can feel this shitty, this willing to give up everything I worked for and care about, then I don't need my face. I don't need to be here or anywhere. What am I then? Without purpose, without confidence.

Thursday: went to the beach with Steph in the morning. The rip tide was strong but we swam and gathered shells for our patient in room 26. Came home, went bowling with Cloudy. Met 2 brothers who were really good, asked us to come out for league play sometime. I thought one had a Zia tattoo but it was the Phillipino version. Home, swimming. Jamarcus wants to give me free hand jobs. I want his hands all inside, in and out, but I don't like him enough.

Friday: Went to lunch with Tracy CPK. Our pizza came with a plastic thing in it so we got a 20% discount. I always find things in my food everywhere. Then went to Goodwill for her red boots. She is building a costume with red boots. Found some but they were small so went to Salvation Army in Pasadena. "This is my hell. I am dying. I am in hell." -Tracy after standing in line for 15 minutes because 2 old guys cut in front of her consecutively. Hahaha. The guy who checked out her gear was a 20-something Hispanic boy with a thick mustache. TB opened her wallet and had a mustache sticker, he immediately said "Are you making fun of me?" And I died laughing. He was really cute and weird-funny. His cheeks were red from the heat. He smiled hard at me and made little jokes. "Stay...? don't leave..." ***Smile. Tracy said he looked like a felon. Yeah baby.

Ummm home for a while. Cleaned my sheets for the first time in over 4 weeks. Sadness ruins everything. Sadness rules everything. Now they are crispy pink. Stinky came over to swim. He brought watermelon. Still talking about fingering me for my pleasure. Gawd. Made him leave at 11pm.

Saturday: Work at 0645, unit 1 plus up to room 19 in unit 2. Good job. Room 4 will die of pneumonia. Room 1 died yesterday. The previous guy in Room 1 died a few weeks ago. Sweet man with giant brain tumor. Danny was working. Flirting hard with me. Bought me a tamele for lunch and asked when we are going out for a free dinner. Said he waited too long for me to be single. Said I'm his favorite white girl. Said he buys nice things for his gfs. He's a tall, smooth, handsome Chinese man with a good smile and hair, but he says dumb shit too regularly. Painfully dumb.

Home, nap, invited to Angels game. No hockey tomorrow, no bowling because of baseball, but I don't want to go. Going to be 110 degrees plus humid. No way.

It's almost 9pm, haven't eaten since 12... maybe not worth it. Maybe just go back to sleep.

Crying crying. Sad sad sad.

I miss him so much.

He says "I think about calling you all the time."

Why would you do all this and then say you miss me

I am death and when I love you it's forever.

Let's start with Friday: Went swimming with cloud mouth, pizza night, Olympics, studying, he left. Brew at the Zoo was a bust because I knew I had to get up at 545am. In bed half sleeping when I get a phone call from TB saying she is coming home with four people. It was 230am. "Please be quiet." They were not quiet. I slept 3 hours and went to work.

Saturday: Worked in Unit 2. 38 patients were all mine. No deaths, no transfers, no admissions. Good. Only one half-decent psychotic episode. Gary had to be suctioned. He won't be around for long. Another empty body in a warm bed for me to clean and zip up. He was a good guy.

Came home, hot sweaty nap, cloud head comes over and orders pizza plus a sandwich for me. TB felt bad so she went swimming with us. Ate in the pool, the waves made me nauseous. TB laughs real hard when I yell in terror about the bees. Sometimes she laughs so hard at things I say/do that she cries. Weeping laughter. We are best friends. Went to downtown for frozen yogurt. Walked around. Drove home but decided to ride bikes back to the bar. Cloudy didn't want to go. He tried to put his big fingers in my soft spots but I wouldn't let him. Brush your teeth. TB and I rode bikes, got hammered. I am 100lbs. 3 whiskey shots and a beer real quick. Fucked up. Most difficult bike ride home. Other worldly. Like being in a life tunnel that no one else can come close to. I could see my life happening from a distance and could feel my mouth moving and talking and laughing but I was on another plane of existence. Thinking and comprehending on the inside but completely uncoordinated and loosely connected on the outside. What a life! We got home and she made me eat pizza. We laughed and I dropped everything everywhere. Spilled liquids and thought about sleeping.

TODAY: 8AM hockey, 10AM hockey, 1145AM bowling with new ball, 130PM swimming at Glassell Park Rec Center, 430PM to dad's for dinner, Tom Collins, sleep in car, sleep on couch, Otto licked my hand and farted loud, came home, death by torture by hot. Working at 7AM in Unit 2 again. Tomorrow includes treatments. We'll see.

Stinky drove separate to my hockey game this morning at 730AM! Yuck. Annoyed. I scored but didn't play great. Annoyed. Took off real quick and got shit for it from my team. They wanted me to go fishing with them. Went bowling at Action Lanes. Ordered an ugly ball for fun. Got fairly consistent scores around 136-147. Came home, nap, cleaned out, went swimming with music, dad called. Went to sushi, ate too much. Tracy called to say she was going to the market. While we were on the phone I saw her pull into the parking lot so I honked and she said "wooooowww!" and I laughed. Took dad home, hung with doggo. He got a hair cut so his butt isn't as puffy. He's soooo cute. I hate him. Went home, Tracy and Brian were there. Jamarcus came over. Nick came over. Watched Olympics and Mars landing(!) while eating green cake. 

Nick talked about getting rid of Hannah! Yay! She doesn't have a job or a car so she's being real clingy and bothersome! Yay! She's gotta go man. Worst. She gets jealous of EVERYTHING. I am my brother's sister. We have conversations that don't involve you! You are 41 years old! Get a grip you cow! Hannah also got jealous of Kevin's 7 year old daughter because she wanted to play with Nick all night. Terrible.

Spent the day with Stephanie and her cousin. Elliott and Cousin because we have the same exact name, exactly. Stephanie drives a Lexus and spends a lot of money. Thick pretty blonde hair. She was happy and fun today. Cousin is the shaky one from VA. Went to Houston's, Americana, Glendale Galleria. Bought a shirt and a necklace. Shopping makes me sad and tired, but I was glad to be out of bed and feel the wind blow my hair around. We separated, I spent time alone poking around and looking at all the humans doing the same thing.

I feel beaten.

The words "everything" and "nothing" are indicators for false statements. I say them a lot. Everything I say means nothing. Haha. What a gal.

It's 1AM and my game is at 8AM. Cloud breath wants to go. How many times does it take to push into your soft pillow head? No. No. Someone else please. Someone else from somewhere else. I need help.