MOSS

Stuart Wilde

I consider myself to be independent, smart & strong. Like my mother taught me to be. The past few months I haven’t been awake. For any of it. It’s all a blur. I’ve worked myself into the ground. Lost a stone in weight. Barely slept. Rarely seen my family & boyfriend. In a strange world, that’s exactly what I needed, at the time. To focus on one thing & to not exist for a while. And I certainly succeeded at forgetting about myself.

I keep thinking over and over again in my head, on my lengthy car journey home every day, before bed, brushing my teeth... What would you be saying to me right now Mum? I’ve never been religious, but, this feeling of sadness from her overwhelms me. I feel she’s distressed she isn’t here to care for us & comfort us, of course, but that I’ve possibly let myself down by ceasing to take care of myself. I miss our conversations. Your guidance. Comfort. Understanding. Love.

Since I was little, my worst, & only fear, but disappointing my Mother.

With that being said. It’s time I woke up. I’ve learnt life is precious. Short. I can’t keep pretending anymore & feeling angry. I will never accept nor understand the concept of never telling my mother that I love her again. I miss her every day. And sometimes it is unbearable. It’s those moment, where in true sadness is true love too. I miss her that much. I need to see the world. Be spontaneous. Explore. Do what makes me happy. Be around only those who make me happy. To learn from everything.