i get hard while imagining being big, but this is always short-lived. in my day-to-day, i never have desired to be fatter; i am satisfied with my body as it is now. i am coming to grips in therapy with the fact that i was abused many times by a fat man as a child and have sexually bonded with the image of being bigger. i am afraid that this kink, which i feel is not my authentic self but a trauma, will never go away. i am not aroused by fat men in sexual encounters, only in fantasy. thoughts?
Kink and Your Authentic Self
There are treesthat grow along the California coast near where I’m from. One of them lookslike this:
The trees theregrow on the sides of cliffs where they’re beaten by winds and rain. The treesadapt, surviving any way they can, clinging tenaciously to the rock and whatlittle dirt there is. You might say that the tree has been deformed by itsharsh environment, or that it has been victimized by nature, which is uncaringand pitiless. Even so, these trees know how to survive there. They grow as theyneed to grow to thrive. They’ve been doing it for generations, for centuries.
But to me, what’seven more remarkable is how beautiful these trees are. In fact, they arevisited and photographed for their unique and captivating beauty. They areamong the most beautiful of nature’s creatures regardless of how or why theygrew that way. They are marveled at for their magnificence and elegance just asthey are. Not because of anything or in spite of anything. But simply as theyare. Beautiful.
I am not suggestingthat what happened to you was beautiful. I am suggesting that how you survivedit is a part of you, and that every part of you is beautiful. There are noparts of you that are not you. You have no parts that are foreign or trash orwrong.
As with any sexualdesire, yours will be with you for the rest of your life. This is no cause fordespair, however. As I say repeatedly, gaining is not about getting fat.Gaining is merely the sexual desire to get fat. What you choose to do about itis completely separate. But you can choose nothing until you accept and embracethis part of yourself. Where there is fear, anger, or lust there is no choice.It’s like a moth drawn to a flame, but then retreating in pain and terror frombeing burned. I’ve seen gainers put themselves through this cycle of lust andfear for years, for decades. There’s no peace.
My work and privatecoaching is about helping people find clarity and freedom in order to choose alife for themselves that works.
People come to meto help them deal with their monsters. If you try to cage the monster, he willgrow stronger until he breaks out of the cage and wrecks your life. If you hidefrom him, he will hunt you down until nowhere is safe and then devour you.The only way to defeat him is to make friends with him. For, in fact, he isyou. And he is a powerful ally once you know and understand him.
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