One of the biggest stresses (for me) from having multiple mental disorders is that every time I wake, every time I shift; from hearing a song, seeing a picture, hearing a conversation, being exposed to a personal trigger of any kind, is that I have to learn how to act/live as a different person. I hold the same moral concepts and care for the same people, but my perspective is totally warped, my outlook on life, my hobbies, attractions, energy level, motivation, patience, emotional endurance, and base level emotion totally vary, so I am constantly shifting through my thoughts, taking extra long, deep breaths to think before I act and speak, because with each shift I’m more inclined to instinctively act positively or negatively to every situation I face. With each shift I have to find new reasons to keep breathing, to keep moving, to keep doing because with each shift there are different aspirations and apathy regarding everything in existence, a constant flux from manic and passionate to dismal and obsessive compulsively dissecting every concept of purpose until I find no purpose at all. Every shift begs me to act a different way, for different reasons, and no matter the shift, I want to stand by the same morals and I want to give everyone I love the same care and attention as before, as they deserve, but each shift demands more time and more effort to find reasoning and purpose in fulfilling that moral obligation, because each shift is so different than the one before I will never be able to rest from searching for new reasons to do what is right. A constant power struggle to be who I am, and it’s getting exponentially difficult and painful to force my brain to let me be who I am.
But the one thing that lets me rest the slightest is knowing that it will pass, it may get more difficult tomorrow, more painful the day after, maybe excruciating a week after that, but eventually, my chemicals will give me momentary relief and I will be allowed to cherish the pleasures of life and human/animal connections again. And I will hold those moments with me when the negative shifts come rolling back, so I can remind myself why it’s worth it to keep going.
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