OverAchiever But Failing A Lot

9 hours into my fasting. How many times we fail and how many more times it takes us to we learn?

I am fasting by choice and as soon as I say this opposite feelings accure. Now I realize, I am gettin stronger to not act on my desires. I am getting better. I do want to eat, but I will not. It simply is that. I am the comtroller. I am in charge. The opposite occurs and I dont react. The opposite occurs in real world and I dont react.

I am fasting by choice, for the overall good for my body. I am having a gut and body repair. I deserve the world and more and I will not react on my impulses.

I am having a cleanse despite whatever conditions occur. I am one with my creator, I am stronger with each cycle. Things that would kill my internal being are now giving me strength. I am stronger I am whole I am here I am one I am from god I am forgived I am gonna keep on going I failed so many times I memorized the traps, I will keep coming back I will have what is mine I will never give up I will be the light who are on their way I will not give up I will control my emotions I will not react I am the master there is nothing any word any influence can take my blessing from me. I am from light and connected with my dark.

I am fasting and my words are my muniment!

Always do what u say you do

Fuck the outside world

7 days my words locked to my breaktrough

Someone who is having a hard time to regulating their emotions. Difficulty in sustaining relationships. Addictions, fragile self esteem.

Emotions dont define who you are. They come and they go, I keep reminding myself. Agression…

People who mirror people

Obsession

Aggression

Borderline persona

Do what seems hard for you.

Do the hard thing

Everyday

Do it again

Stay stable even if its hard

Feel your emotions even if you want numb it out with something.

Stay true to your connections even tho you feel like you dont deserve/ you are the lowest being on earth. Present yourself the otherwise.

There is no other way. You are not the victim in the story. Make your demons proud. Make them uncomfortable. You show up strong.

————I impulsively didnt attend to my shift. —I was having self image issues— I am sitting in the park dont know what to do. I want to be honest at least here because I dont know anybody who understands. You know what Im re writing the story at this exact moment. Im not saying it is nice to not go but it was something I didnt want to.

Its been 2 days; and now I realize how easy to bounce back from all the shit u transmuted to shit again. If you believe you are sick and full of problems then you will be sick and full of problems. Fix your self image, I am beautiful I am worthy, society nor my mothers wounds are not mine to carry. I am open minded and beyond this shit. I am here and now.

So its the full moon, I have been loosing it for awhile.

Eating disorder or a food addiction? This part of me has to go. This has to end. Tomorrow is the fullmoon in scorpio. As a scorpio rising I cant hear enough of the universe shouting at me to change. And there was a part of me who is uneducated and addicted to whatever it is feeling good at the moment. But I decide to leave this persona. I am above and beyond.And I will make the decision everyday untill I dont need to anymore!!! Fuck you old programmings. Fuck you matrix, I am strong as hell but I will not mercy you too when the time comes you little fucker.

I am consistent, Even I fail, I get up and try everyday again and again bitch. I transmute all of the shame u put on me and start again and again untill I fucking start to win and even then I will not stop I will come after you, you sickhead. You make me think Im sick and weak.At this point you are giving me all the power. I am going to be the best of me and I will help others to do the same. Even tho its hard, I make the better decision. I consistently choose the hardest just to beat your ass up. Me coming after your ass is giving me enormous amont of motivation. Whenever I have chance I am coming after you. Your patriarchy Im coming after you. Your limiting beliefs Im coming after you. Showing people who they are at every chance I have is my ultimate mission

—Super interesting thing happened;

I was writing this at the park, some guy show up, I smelled his alcoholic breath but still, I said Im not going to be judgemental. He said what am I doing and where Im living and he said he is a teacher, Im assuming he said that because he thaught Im a student because there was a library at the park and a lot of young girls. So I keep showing respect even tho the situation was super clear, and his intentions also but still we chat a little, I really thaught I can help him out about his alcohol use because he was pretty old. But he was deaf for the truth and insanely annoying. So I mirrored him and asked a few questions —I thaught he would get some realizations— He actually did. He said you are so radical, you only bring me evil and ran away. Literally LOL.

It is tomorrow, Im on my way to my interview. I have been binge purging for days. And the weird thing about it, it goes with a blink and this aint never good. Stay focused. Dont let them get in.

Hi tumblr :(

I am having rashes and flu like symptoms. I do have serious doubts but I know these are die off symptoms as well.

But what really makes me uncomfortable is work. I want to talk about a bit.

So this job is my old job from 2019. I am working in a cafe temporarily btw. When I worked there, I used to do a lot of drugs. My nervous system was wrecked. I had very unevolved attitude. And I was downgrading myself then my surroundings. Pretty silly. Now there is whole new team but not so different then 2019. Actually I can enjoy it if I let myself observe without judgement. But Im also incredibly exhausted from the work and the prolonged fast. And I started to think am I doing too much. But I also know that I wanted to do too much. Because I am too much. But I also get some signs that I am out of alignment. Am I acting from my ego maybe? And make things harder for myself. I really dont want another lesson pls.

God help me, I will keep going.

I will do it but just to show, even in these circumstances you can fucking heal your body and do an extreme fast ok bye.

Unless my body shows me actually I cant lol.

My biggest fear is a burnt out. I probably quit the job and rest a lot. Because I will go to my actual job —its a seasonal job—in 20 days lol. I do think I am crazy and I still like this about me. So this particular thing doesnt need to change???!?! Idk lots of rumbling

I hate this work, it’s difficult and I am still going for it😩😬😩😩🥵🥵✌️🦶

Hey tumblrr

So I came home, I am beyond tired like literal definition of being beyond death. It is been a long time that I felt this much tired. And Im still fasting. According to the app; Im in deep ketosis. Which It explains about why ıts not hard for me to fast at this point.

Even though I dont feel hunger, sometimes I feel deep hunger but then ıt goes away. I am learning patience like whole other level.

Also I got my period. Which it got delayed when I was eating gluten and crap food and then restrict. Literally fasting is a miracle at this point.

Today work was super challenging. I thaught about quitting. But I will not…

7 day mark, Im half way there. I am more excited to the results then just quitting and eating at home not going to work. Which nothing bad happens If I quit, I dont lose my job or whatever. But I just cant quit anymore. Its so lame. 😩😩😩😩

Hey tumblr

I am too moody, too down. And Im about to go to work. Its gonna be okey when I go to work. I couldnt sleep last nıght. I know ıts gonna be okey. But I just wanted to wrıte down here. Its helping in a way. And also its raınıng lıke crazy. Should I walk to the bus staıon? We got thıs!!!!!!

I wıll not walk to the bus statıon.

Also I used laxatıves last nıght to flush out anythıng whıch ıt dıd exactly that. Isnt ıt weırd ıf I tell a dıeter what Im doing they are going to tell me I have a dısorder. Human perceptıons are so freaking weird to me.

I dont have a scale so I dont know how much I weigh. I actually dont want to know either. Ex-dıeter :/ Also I thınk Im havıng dıe off symptoms I dont know from what. Could be candıda because of the smell and my hıstory wıth sugar abuse lol. Anyways whatever ıt ıs ıts dying. And ıt keeps me motivated as hell. I want to do thıs for 21 days so bad. Anyways we just started and lets see whats gonna happen.

I keep you updated ofc <3

Hey tumblrrr!

So Im working incase I didnt tell you about it. Let me share my plan with you now Because Im on a lunch break, and I dont eat have so much time lol:P

So I am working as a barista currently. And my working goal is to work straight up 20 days no off! And my first goal is to fast for 7 days.

If I be fine then 11 days mark is a all time goal for me!

And If I be fine I will make history for myself and hit the 21 days, and make my dreams come true.

And get all the benefits, Im gonna be pure as fuck😬

I am pretty ambitious gal :/

So anyways today it was a little bit hard but not so much when I think about it. I truly think that I will fast and work no off for 20 days and then these 5 months will be erased of my brain permanently!! I really need this. —last 5 months I lost myself and I was unemployed— I need this confidence. I have to show myself that I am that bitch! So yeah basically its the beginning. I let you know ofc.

And demons and temptations and negative thaught patterns just to justify my failure, I am very well aware and Im guarded. No more giving in.

Hey tumblr,

So I didnt walk for 11 hrs.Or the route I planned out. But I have been walking for 8 km already. And I will keep going. I do proud of myself —not really actually mostly I have to much anger to myself for the binges I made for the last 4-5 days :(

So also I weighed myself. And Im extra bloated yes, but its literally the heaviest for a long time. So fasting doesnt help with anything if you are not willing to do real changes. That is a fact now I can not deny.

Past 5 days I am nothing but full, I feel incredibly uncomfortable and out of breath —mainly the food I ate was starch carbs and sugar and dairy fuck deadly combo☠️— Anyways Ofc it is the perfect time for a challenge. Who has more willpower then someone who is sick of staying the same anymore.

I can not stand a day to do it. To fucking up my brain with tiktok, eating junk feeling junk looking like junk. There is no other way then to change. I wish there was but there isnt. What there is, is not satisfying to me anymore. There is someone inside me, is pissed and cant stand silent to my procrastination. And there is no understanding and caring left. **I get it, you shouldnt be hard on yourself thats unhealthy, I literally memorized every trick in trickbook. I am unbeatable my trickstar brain😩🤞 cant fool me

It is 25 april 2023

****7 day fast

**** resetting all my systems

****dopamine detox

Goal is to reset my system and break the junk food habit and make my brain pretty again. Things got ugly last winter. And rest of the project will reveal itself out I guess🥴🥴

I am going to be here everyday and my 7 day fast is going to be really challenging. My last food was pasta and way too many sugar :(

But I deny to do it later. It is now. Allright time to sleep now. I am planning to walk for 40 km tomorrow. Damn I just checked it takes 11 hrs 33 min. Such an angel number. Im gonna do it. At least I will try!!

See you tomorrow💅

I am so excited to do it, I guess its the new moon🦶🦶🦶🦶🦶

Inflamed

Bloated af

I know I fuck up, in behavioral wise, I mean

And Im not looking at my legs and saying things like ur disgusting, how can I hide my legs bla bla!!!

This aproach is so 2006 and I was a child back then -no context I know- but I grow up with dieters it effected me and I coped in a toxic way for a while and its okey. I am stronger than patterns —But now I want to be my best shape and just because I want that doesnt fucking mean I have a disorder nor anti-body positivist or smthn, —for me my best self’s items includes me being 20 pounds lighter, it doesnt mean the only thing yet its important and I should accept that.

I will be fasting not starving, I share my inflamed very softy legs :P here and its a statement not an insult and its a real positivity to me. This is my truth, no desperation around my weight goal or glow up project, I felt inspired to act on it and wanted to write down my goals. Im not saying Im being real or vulnerable here, Its way easier here then real life so in a way this is safe space to me. And Its better to fix my procrastination problem🙃

<3 final words to my Ed self, you are dying and this endless loop to keep us in pendulum. Back and forth it’s crumbling. And my adult self who isnt actually an addict, is not boring at all. And I found you cool 2 years ago other then that you were hell and now I mainly think ur a loser :( Ur dying and there is no other way. <3 555 Im serious😬😬😡😡🥸 555