FastFox

(Later, outside.)

Kol: He seems harmless.

Klaus: That’s worse. Harmless men become disappointing husbands.

Kol: Nik, she wants normal.

Klaus: We don’t do normal.

Kol: I know that. Doesn't mean we can't play her fantasy for a while.

Kol: So, what are your intentions with our sister?

Date: I— we just met.

Klaus: Wrong answer already.

Rebekah: I will end both of you. Permanently.

Kol: She says that with love.

(Klaus suddenly appears at the table.)

Klaus: Hello, sister. Random coincidence seeing you here.

Rebekah: Niklaus, leave.

Kol: (appearing beside him) We’re just ensuring emotional safety.

Date: …Are you her brothers?

Klaus & Kol: Yes.

Date: I understand fear now.

(Across the street, both brothers hiding badly.)

Kol: You’re standing in direct moonlight.

Klaus: I look intimidating.

Kol: You look like a dramatic gargoyle.

Klaus: Silence. He laughed. Why is he laughing?

Kol: Because Rebekah told a joke?

Klaus: ...How dare he?

(Rebekah’s date arrives.)

Klaus: He walks like a man with secrets.

Kol: He walks like a man with knees, calm down.

Klaus: I don’t trust his jawline.

Kol: You’ve murdered people for less.

Klaus: Exactly.

Kol: Step one: we observe discreetly.

Klaus: I am incapable of discreet.

Kol: Then stand farther away and brood artistically.

Klaus: I always brood artistically.

Elijah: “I will be gone for several hours.”

To Klaus: “Do not kill anyone.”

To Rebekah: “Do not burn the house down.”

To Kol: “Do not die.”

To Finn: “And Finn… do not kill yourself.”

Klaus: Sluts?

Elijah: You died?!

Rebekah: Again?!

*Earlier that day*

Kol: I wrote a note.

Klaus: What does it say?

Kol: “Dear Elijah, please meet me in the courtyard. Urgent.”

Klaus: Signed?

Kol: You.

Klaus: Diabolical.

(Elijah storms back inside minutes later.)

Elijah: You were not in the courtyard.

Klaus: Tragic misunderstanding.

Kol: Perhaps you missed him.

Elijah: I will dagger one of you. I haven’t decided which.

Kol: Hypothetically… how attached is Elijah to that suit collection?

Klaus: Emotionally or spiritually?

Kol: Both.

Klaus: Deeply. Why?

Kol: I enchanted one tie so it screams when he tightens it.

(Upstairs)

Elijah: What in God’s—

Klaus: *whispers* Worth it.

Kol: Absolutely worth it.

Kol & Klaus:

Klaus: Why is the house on fire?

Kol: Technically it’s only the west wing.

Klaus: Why is the west wing on fire?

Kol: Science.

Klaus: That word does not mean what you think it means.

Kol: It means “run before Elijah gets home.”

Kol: Admit it. Life would be terribly dull without me.

Klaus: Life would be peaceful without you.

Kol: Exactly. Dull.

Klaus: You are a walking catastrophe.

Kol: And yet you keep me around.

Klaus: "Do you ever get tired of pretending you care?"

Elijah: "No. I get tired of people being idiots."

Klaus: "So… me, then."

Elijah: "Precisely. You're the highlight of my exhaustion."

Stefan: “Do you ever think about us… the past?”

Klaus: “I do. And I savor it.”

Stefan: “Savor it?”

Klaus: “Yes. The chaos. The blood. The fun. You.”

*manic laughter in the background*

Stefan: “We’re just… old friends, right?”

Klaus: “Of course. Friends with benefits, chaos, and occasional war crimes.”

Stefan: “That’s not exactly what people mean by ‘friends’.”

Klaus: “Then let them imagine.”