Well…shit

The Doctor: It's funny, the day you lose someone isn't the worst—at least you've got something to do. It's all the days they stay dead.

First red flag: General Aziraphale?? Brave guardian, fierce defender…but leading other angels to slaughter—or be slaughtered by—their brethren? Never.

Mutt’s Spouse couldn’t get a name?!? Even the disposable demon got a name.

“You go too fast for me…” The breakneck pacing, trying to squeeze in all the absolutely most pertinent bits, sacrificed the softness & humor of the previous 12 episodes. I feel l missed so much just trying to keep up & frankly I’m not sure I’ll be able to watch it again any time soon. Which brings me to…

That ending. I didn’t think anything could be worse than the last minutes of season 2. Jesus gluten-free-crust-pizza was I wrong, and I didn’t even understand why until days later.

The third anniversary of my husband’s death fell 2 days after the premier. He had dementia (likely FTD) & I was his sole caregiver for the last few years of his life. Gradually his ability to communicate failed; his memories faded, of everything he was/had been. I lost him long before he was actually gone. The idea of our 40 years together—our lives, our love—evaporating into nothingness was incomprehensible to me.

It took 4 days for the realization to coalesce in my brain, & when it came it was like a baseball bat to the back of the head. Six thousand years of friendship, adventures, camaraderie—LOVE—vanished; or worse, never existed at all. That’s what was so triggering to me. But that wasn’t all.

Seeing Anthony & Asa, sharing a few moments at the end of one of their many days together (how many days, years will that be??))…I felt a profound loneliness. Not a new feeling or even surprising—it had just never been so tangible.

My husband was 16 years older than me; we always knew we wouldn’t grow old together. I don’t expect there to be another love story at this stage of my life, but I do so miss the warm intimacy of a familiar partner. And now I’m thinking of Anna & Georgia…

He alienated all his children long ago so he died alone, in a hospital, after complications from a pulmonary embolism. None of us will mourn him, not even our mother (she got the worst of it). I only feel sad for my sister, who will be saddled with the mundane details of wrapping up his physical existence. I’ve already had to clean up after him (literally) multiple times. I swore never again, but if she asks…I know I’ll go.

Doechii’s Anxiety is on endless loop in my head. My 401K is spiraling faster than me; someone rear-ended my car last week & my homeowners’ insurance keeps canceling. Will I get to keep drawing my (deceased federal employee husband’s) survivor’s annuity? Social Security?? Will I be looking for a job that maybe(?!?) pays minimum wage?

I worked 32 years in call center jobs I LOATHED because, well…benefits, retirement, all those “American Dream” check boxes. I paid into Social Security & 401Ks. I was fortunate enough to be able to quit working when my husband started to need full time care (dementia). As those years dragged on, we drained savings & his retirement accounts till all we had coming in was his retirement annuity & Social Security. I wasn’t even 65 yet when he passed. I thought I’d have some time for myself, to recover from 6 years of increasing struggle, grief, loneliness. To find a new path, a new place in the world…

But here we are.

I guess it’s just as well I go back to work. I wouldn’t get on a plane right now even if I could afford it. My car is probably totaled—no more road trips. There won’t be any national parks to visit any more any way. My health is likely to keep declining; who knows if my meds will continue to be available (much less affordable).

And I rage for my grandson, for my young nieces & nephews, more than for myself.

We know DT doesn't really do the interwebs, but MS (apparently) does enjoy perusing the fandom's musings. I imagine Michael telling David about all his favorites—the fics, the art, AUs. I can see them laughing over & loving most every take on their beloved characters: the myriad ways in which Aziracrow find each other, lose or keep each other, endings happy & bittersweet. The inclusion/reimagining of cast mates, locales, prized possessions.

I think this is what David was referring to—the Good Omens multiverse that exists in our collective fan consciousness. No ending will satisfy every one, but I have faith in Neil & his love for Sir Terry that everything really will be OK.

Tickety-boo even.