Honest & Alone

I fought to stay alive. His love made me fly to high and when he left the further the fall. I am broken. Hanging by hope. Scared to ask the real question. Did you ever love me? Hope and despair lingers as the question never answered. I know I never want to fly again.

Everyone wants perfection. Something I will never be.

I feel at odds when someone just tells me they liked me when they first meet me. Like like. And it usually happens when they are currently taken. I'm flattered but why tell me? Most of the time I don't realize admirers. I don't think I could ever shed my ugly fat kid skin. No matter how long I stare at the mirror I just can't see the attraction. Anyways the shadows I cling to is my home.

I hate late people. They make me waste my meds.

I just realized he is too nice. He still text me after I told him I miss him and love him. He is hurting me more than he would like to think. I have to close everything and everyone out of my heart. I don't ever want to feel this rejection ever again. Be nice Dustin. Just don't do me.any favor.

The words you speak means nothing new to me. I study your movement and expression and most of the time I imagine you gasping for air. My hands wringing the life out of you as your eyes roll back. And you never know these thoughts as I smile and nod.

I hear them howling even through the Spanish telemundo crap drama my father watches. I feel like vomiting knowing even those will outlast me. I imagine years from now the socialites will have even more expensive whorish ways to dress up those dead meat bone Warner's they called their flesh. More ways to kill each other with their double negative smile comments. And here I am trying to sound deep but we all know I'm just pathetic and alone. I have a want to be alone and my animal instinct to fuck is not helping. And one male is in my constant spank bank. Maybe bc he is no where around. So I try to slumber to the howls of the chilly wind but thwarted due to Latins pretending to be kids in those twirly hats.

Tears held back. Tired of okays. Silence is expensive.

And no one even cares or notice but the pain reminds me I'm real.

I forgotten how to smile.

I'm over this life. I thought I loved him but is he even real? He is never around when I need emotional support. Or maybe I just don't think he will stay if I asked to cry on his shoulder. I never had someone like that because I don't feel worthe the time. Maybe I should leave here and find someone to bare my soul with. I'm scared and I don't even know how or where to start.

I hate facebook. It reminds me I am ugly and boring.

Started to workout again. It reminds me when he used to hit me. I escaped nick by exercising. I also escaped the hunger. I went without food for hours because I was so poor. I would search for pennies to afford a candy bar to make it through the day. Bought pop tarts and ate half of the one tart. Then off to work then school and back to the gym. Until I couldn't do it any longer. Reaching beyond my own boundaries to ask for help. No one ever did not even my mom. I should have reach towards strangers than friends and family.