m

i wanna be who i once was, but i dont think its in my brain anymore. i dont think im sick anymore. just a wannarexic. i am not good enough

definitely thinking of making one of my weight loss rewards taking a ballet class. i love them because theyre so elegant and petite. they look elegant because theyre slim.

once i get out ik itll be so much easier to drop the rest of the weight but im literally stuck🤦🏽‍♀️

my life has been going absolutely shit lately and it has all triggered a relapse. I’m a first year college student and im working 2 jobs + babysit occasionally on the side. at my first job, the paychecks keep coming late and at different times and my second job i havent started receiving paychecks yet since i just started. i have not been able to buy groceries this week and can only eat out (and even then occasionally). all my money goes towards ubers to and from my job and unfortunately last week i only got paid $80. i have lost 5 lbs this week from this fact alone. i wasnt rlly relapsed tho until an incident yesterday which caused me to attempt suicide. obviously it didnt work but the whole situation has made it impossible for me to eat. i have had nothing all day today. i have no money to eat out. i did eventually go downstairs to try and eat something, but i could hear words that my brother said ringing in my ear so i just went back upstairs and have been crying. its rlly sucky because i WAS better. i finally felt at peace and okay with myself and how i eat. i listened to my body. but im at the point where im just accepting a relapse. 2 days ago i redownloaded videos of me at my lw and put them in my favorites folder. yesterday i tried to avoiding eating for as long as possible and thats when i first noticed a slip. im clearly never gonna recover especially if i live here so its whatever. anyways sorry for the rant