sour patch dicks

Ok first of all reading through my old posts from high school is actually an amazing depiction of mental illness in real time. but i loved how i just went on my little rants on here. such a private and comforting space despite the mental illness. twitter is not better as many adult people i know form college follow me on there. high school me definitely reposted that dwight gif saying the airport is too crowded we need a new plague. like ok pain thats not funny anymore. 

my old posts are funny because im the same just less cringe which i guess is literally all i couldve asked for. and i still complain about the same things and have the same problems in my relationships. but its funny to be reaching the end of the road on how i expected my life to be because college always seemed so far away and weird and ive never been in the mood to keep on living. it also makes me think about how much of myself i lost to my exes!! i spent so many years deadass trying to make white men happy and letting the male gaze rule my life in one way or another it was genuinely so horrible. and i only am now coming into a more intense sense of self than ever before because ive been single for a year, which is the longest ive been single since i met my hs boyfriend and i started dating in 2014. like having a boyfriend that whole time was stupid as fuck and like dating experience is extremely valuable but god damn i just literally hate living my life to make any men happy and i shouldnt have done it for so long at such a precious time in my life. but whatever, it wasnt really my fault i was so young, can only learn that i dont want to live my life that way ever again. 

but the internet is exactly the same as it was on here so there was no point in leaving. we can use me trying to transition this blog from a emo fan blog to something that feels more suitable as a metaphor for my life. because i dont know how to move on from what ive always known despite it not being comfortable (emo fan blog) to something cool that 15 year old me on this stupid blog would enjoy (VISION: LESBIANS AND PLANTS????? WHAT ELSE??) need to stop being occupied with depression (LOL STILL DEPRESSED 8 YEARS LATER U STUPID BITCH???) but not sure how or what to be occupied with instead. i need to be occupied with chasing a bag not these dusty broke men. 2021 goals will be self fulfillment goals. 

2022 i will graduate college and LOLOLOLOL because what the actual FUCK am i supposed to do. this should prob be decided once on anti depressants because depressed people have 0 outlooks on life. but like wtf. my ~unstable~ childhood leaves me with little understood about life and being happy or anything to look forward to that doesnt suck.