when you’re so perceptive about the way others interact with you, it makes you hyper focus on every element of yourself in relation to them. whether you were too loud or too angry or too rude or too attentive to them or too *anything*, having borderline personality disorder means you are constantly paying too much attention to how others speak with you, how their body language presents itself, and even in the absence of those things, your brain will come up with a storyline anyway. i don’t have to see someone physically to imagine them rolling their eyes in disgust when they see my name light up their screen, or picture their pity and imagine themselves wishing they had the guts to just unfollow me. i don’t have to be in the same room as my friend to think they’re just working up the courage to tell me to fuck all the way off. i don’t have to see any of it to come up with imaginary scenarios.
having BPD means being on high alert, constantly, with everything and everyone, and it's perpetually exhausting. i'm sure many others can relate, but i wish i had the ability to just stop caring so deeply about so many things, but i can't, and it's almost like the opposite happens when i try to care less. i end up caring more. and it's just beyond draining, beyond tiring.
