Painting with Words

Last few days went fucking hectic. Had to work on a pending project of story writing ( thinking of making a short film on it) . Was assigned for news reporting for an event on World Press Freedom Day in college. Got the opportunity to interact with renowned senior journalist, Teresa Rehman and Dipannita Jaiswal, managing director of Brahmaputra Tele Productions pvt. Ltd, Assam, India.

And finally yesterday had to work as a PR under college media club for another college musical event.

The days were exhausting and my brain gets so tired that i literaly slept at 10 pm and directly opened my eyes at 7 am in the morning. At least work helps me sleep and pause my night overthinking routine.

Something about my personal life? relationship's been working good. My partner makes sure I'm fine and checks on me. Literally the craziest and the most caring person I could ever dreamt of being with.

I'm a difficult person to deal with, with massive anger issues and sudden panic attacks (you'll know if you read my previous blogs), but this human does it well.

Family life had been going good. No more fights as of yet and fingers crossed. Mom and Dad had been understanding and I am trying my best to be patient with them.

Will start shifting to a new place tomorrow so that'll be another phase of busy.

And I'm still not giving up!

Love you Humans!

Indian Rock Band -The Flower Child

30th April 2023

Woke up feeling much better today. Listening to Anuv Jain's Alag Aasmaan. Though the thoughts sometimes faintly come back but I have learnt to ignore them.

Have to complete my presentation for tomorrow's communicative English class.

i think i should go for a walk this evening ?!

Mom called and Dad was really sweet. That's his apology and I accept it. I still love them.

Will still not give up !

my issues? I desperately need a therapist but my parents don't believe in mental health issues.

yesterday I had a fight with my parents because sometimes the words that they use ( ik they love me a lot) hurt me a lot. I feel like because they are paying the fees of my degree course and I am still dependent on them (its normal for parents to financially support their ward for university, here in India ) so i am a burden. i may be wrong but these thoughts plus being away from family with whom I've spent 19 years and with long stored childhood traumas i have started to experience panic attacks.

today i just had this deep-rooted urge to just end everything. End all the pressure, all the fights, all the misunderstandings by ending myself.

i was sitting near my hostel window when amidst all these thoughts i heard my heart saying, "there's help". and it kept on coming again and again. Finally i Googled suicide helpline number. Tried on 4 or 5 numbers but initially nobody picked them (still don't know why that happened) when the last number i dialed was taken over by a counselor who made me calm down with grounding exercises and suggested me to focus on what makes me happy and to SHARE.

Therefore, with the suggestion of my roommate, here i am sharing whatever my heart says and from now on its just my heart saying whatever the fuck it wants to.