Ami

hi everyone, some of you may have seen my old comm post, but it was accidentally deleted, so here’s my new one.

i’m coming on here to say that some really unfortunate things have happened. i found myself in an abusive living situation with my aunt in a completely different state, where she was the only person i knew. she took all of my money, overworked me, and forced her responsibilities onto me cleaning her entire house and caring for her child all while i was working 10–12 hour shifts every day, not including the hour it took me to walk to and from work. there were also times she purposely sabotaged my job and made me late so i could take care of her child. every day i came home and had to clean everything, including the messes her child had made. i was verbally abused and belittled by her and her husband daily. she even allowed her husband to throw things at me, and attempt to hit me. i won’t go into further detail other than to say i was eventually kicked out and left homeless with no money. she took hundreds of dollars from me every single week, so i wasn’t able to save anything. on top of everything else, i was completely exhausted.

i’m now back in my home state, while i do have a place to stay my living situation isn’t ideal, and i don’t have a strong support system. i’m actively searching for a job but haven’t had any luck yet. it’s especially difficult since i don’t have reliable transportation and can’t drive. i grew up in an abusive family, and my aunt’s husband was supposed to help me learn, but instead they only wanted to take my money and make me do their responsibilities for them.

right now, i have very limited resources and support, and i’m doing my best to get through each day while also dealing with declining mental health because of everything that’s happened. i’ve struggled with serious mental health issues that have impacted my entire life, and coping with them alongside all of this has made this time especially hard. i’m trying to move forward, but it’s difficult given my circumstances.

with all of that said, my commissions are open. these are emergency commissions so i can somewhat support myself, as finding a job right now is extremely difficult and this is currently my only source of income.

if you’re able to send anything during this time, it would help more than i can put into words. here is my ko-fi if you’d like to send any tips or donations to support me and my work.

buy me a kofi!

prices start at $12 per 1k words.

i will write for anything, no judgement. some examples of commissions i do!

oc x canon

oc x oc

character x character

x reader fics

omegaverse

smut, fluff and angst fics

+ many more!

research!

if your fic requires research it's an additional $10 for every hour of research.

depending on what the research is and or requires it could be less and or free!

WHERE TO FIND MY WORK

masterlist - on my blog aka tumblr

I'm happy to research any topic or fandom you need!

all finished comms will be sent via pdf through email.

i do reserve the right to deny any commission, though this is very rare. please be kind and respectful when messaging me, and keep in mind that i'm a person too <3

i accept payment upfront and through paypal and venmo. i can also use cash app if needed, though it's not my preference. if none of those work, i'm open to gift cards (such as amazon), and we can always discuss other options.

i've completed many commissions so far and have returning buyers who've commissioned me multiple times, so i can assure you that i'm reliable and true to my word. i also tend to finish comms fairly quickly, depending on what's going on at the moment.

i also write essays and poems!

if you are interested, please send me a dm on tumblr so we can start discussing your idea! thank you for reading this far and for your consideration + kindness:) if you want a commission but are unsure of an idea, or simply have a bunch of ideas floating around i can always help with ideas, and plot! if you don't want a commission and simply just want to send some support, my kofi is always open to accept tips <3 i'm immensely grateful for anything that's sent and always try to say thank you. if you're not able to support or commission me, please consider reblogging or sharing this with anyone you think may be interested. i'm so incredibly thankful for any help, truly.

again, i write for anything and any length. thank you so much (anything helps, truly!!)

“Use your arms to hold me tight.. Baby I don’t wanna fight no more…” - Soldier of Love by Pearl jam (off topic but i saw them live last year and cried genuine tears don’t joke…)

warnings!! : established relationship, angst (?), couples arguing, threatening walking out/leaving, kisses, AFAB!reader, mean!Carmy! plz lmk if i missed anything but hope you enjoy this my chefs 🍰. *ੈ✩‧₊˚

summary: you and carmen go thru a rough patch. he’s busy with the restaurant all day long which is great but it leaves no time for dates or anything together, so you two argue

This wasn’t what you two wanted

Not at all.

You and Carmen had been together for about two years and it was perfect- for the most part. He loved you, you loved him that was all it was! There was *semi* good communication going on but hey that’s better than nothing! But it wasn’t until two months ago there were subtle changes. Coming home wayyy too late, skipping meals, no more texts. That kinda stuff. To other people that wasn’t a big deal but to you it was. Carmen was amazing- despite his some flaws but he was a good boyfriend so why was he acting like this?

It was late one night. Heavy rain and storms, he hadn’t come home yet. Like any good girlfriend you would worry. ‘What if something happened?’ Was ALL you could think about so you texted him. that’s the right thing to do…

Right?

I mean you didn’t wanna be overbearing or looking over him constantly- you just craved the connection you two had originally. You wanted the fun back. Like how old people go on cruises to have fun in their life’s- you wanted to just connect and have fun with Carmen again.

”hey you alright?” 6:09 PM

“you want me to leave out some food for you?” 8:10 PM

“ks everything okay?”

‘hey u okay? i’m heading to bed. goodnight love you! ♥️”

READ 11:08 PM

What. A. Dick

You worked in a hospital for heavens sakes and even you could respond to messages as quickly as you could. YOU ARE SAVING LIVES. But it feels to mean to compare the two jobs- you work at a hospital, he’s a cook. Very. Very Different..

But “read” is always better than delivered!

Well at least you know he’s alive. But no response? Fuck. That hurts. But you sent the phone down just listening to the clam rain outside hit against the apartment window; the window was filled with little trinkets from thrift shops and stores you went too: Carmen thought it was clutter but if it made you happy he was happy.

3:06 AM

The apartment door opens and you hear steps, still in slumber tho you don’t pay too much attention to whoever has just walked in - despite that fact that it’s Carmen and that’s pretty easy to tell. You could hear him strip out of his clothes just in his boxers now and get into bed with you, wrapping an arm around you tugging you close.

“M’jus me okay..?” He mumbled holding you close. How dare he act like everything is fine?!? God what a dick.

“Don’t touch me. I’m tired Carmen.”

“What? I can’t touch you- Damn sorry..”

“Goodnight Carmen.”

“Goodnight sweetheart..”

There’s silence for a few minutes just the rain hitting the window over and over until Carmen finally speaks up

“I love you…”

“I bet you do.” You say back sarcastically

“The fuck that mean?” He mumbles confused

“Nothing.” You say back pulling the blanket over you more

He sits up in bed, looking down at you confused and hurt. But he doesn’t say much about it. He hates going to bed after fighting with you.

The next morning you avoided him. all morning. No breakfast for him. No shower together. No kiss. No hug. No coffee. NOTHING but of course he didn’t understand what he did wrong. He was trying to support YOU. The life you two would have together. He wanted to support you two.

He came up behind you arms wrapped around hugging you from behind peppering kisses all over, whispering things

‘So pretty you know?’

‘mm God you smell good’

Until you shoved him off of you.

“Hey come on we’ve been over this i’m sorry-“

“When are you EVER sorry Carmen??” You said to him- a little too loud for his liking..

“You don’t EVER fucking yell at me.”

“You get to yell at EVERYONE else all the time! Why the fuck can’t I yell at you???” You yelled at him- actually yelling. Nothing quiet.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?? I thought we were good-“

“What the fuck?? We haven’t been good in months dumbass.”

“Don’t call me dumbass-“

“All I ever hear is about that fucking restaurant! It’s always ‘gotta test this out’ ‘pay for this-‘ Wben the fuck can we talk Carmen? When is it about us??”

“I pour my HEART into that place. Don’t fucking talk about it like that. You know where my priorities are that place is important it’s money-“

“It’s a addiction and clearly you care about it more than me-“

“And if I do?”

“If you do, Then i’m fucking gone.”

That got him to shut up very well for a moment. You out of his life? He couldn’t even imagine that one bit. You were worrying him. He didn’t want you out of his life. He had so many plans for you two; getting married, having kids, moving, travel etc. You gone. Him with someone else? FUCK no.

Carmen would miss the small things if you were gone. Hair ties on the bathroom counter. Sodas you liked to buy in his fridge. Drawing you daily. The scent of the pillow when you weren’t around. The closet would be empty. A second tooth brush no longer needed. And he wouldn’t have to buy that vanilla berry body wash you used everytime. No more buying foods you liked either. Or the strawberry lotion you liked. Just a copy of a copy living situation for him.

He grabbed you by the wrist scared you may slip away like everything else. You slowly raised both arms to try to get him away.

Carmen’s been alone before

For a long time.

But he didn’t wanna lose you.

He was never ready for you to leave.

“No. Me and you? A team. I’m not living solo- I-I can’t lose you too- Sweetheart please I know i’m not the best boyfriend at times and i’m mean and selfish and a fucking assjole but-“ He felt his eyes burn with tears wanting to be released “Just please don’t give up on us. On me. Okay?”

“But you say that everytime-“

“it’s a different time- i’ll call Richie see if he can just take over-“

“Aren’t you scared he’s gonna do it wrong-!” You laughed “What is it I always hear you scream when i see you? ‘CHEF FUCK YOU’ Or something like that. So angry” You smiled at him but it soon faded “I just want you around more okay? I don’t wanna feel so alone Carmen.”

“I know I know m’sorry-“

He looked down. He was never a man of emotion (CLEARLY) but for you he was trying. He loved getting better for you, Carmen wanted to always thrive for you so you would flaunt him sometimes (not all the time tho) but he wanted you to tell people about him and how good he was too you.

“I know and i’m sorry sweet girl… promise i’m better”

“I say it’s better when I SEE better Carmen okay? It’s not that I don’t trust you I just-“

“Wanna see improvements?”

“Yeah. Like you do with the restaurant I wanna see that with you okay?”

He looked at you; Genuonly looked at you for the first time in a while

“So pretty did I tell you?”

“I think you did Bear.. i think you did”

He pulls you closer to him but you pull away again

“Please jus’ let me hold you-“

“Carmen. After tonight? No thanks”

“Aren’t we okay?”

“Better than before.”

“But I said sorry.”

“I know I’m just- not ready to trust you fully again Carmen ok?”

He sighed; this hurt. Really fucking hurt

“But when you wanna again- you’ll tell me?”

“Always tell you.”

You disappeared into the bedroom again; You had the dah off

Normally days off were used to go see him at The Bear, or clean around the house but this time you just went right back to bed and he went to go shower.

As he showered he prayed the water would wash away his guilt and mistakes, soap could wash away anything evil he had ever done to harm you. He just wanted to be changed. But he knew he couldn’t keep sulking and he had to make a genuine change. A real change for you.

So the whole day he texted you updates. Stupid and silly. How many people came in, his breaks. Alll that and you felt like things may change, may get better. Maybe.

After work he came home early- super early.

Cooked dinner.

Cleaned the kitchen.

Even gave you flowers.

Maybe… just maybe Carmen Berzatto was trying to fix his mistakes for good.