Understanding
Summary: After an awkward first time together, Emma opens up about her struggles with painful sex, to Brendon.
Warnings: Dyspareunia, painful sex, sexual disfunction, bleeding during sex,
A/n: I was really nervous writing this, but I've never read a story that dealt with dyspareunia or vaginismus so I decided to write my own. People who struggle with these issues experience them in a million different ways. I just used my own experience with these issues to inform this story.
Crossposted on AO3
The shame of the night before weighed heavy on Emma’s chest. The usually overwhelming sounds of the emergency department felt distant, she was somewhere else in her mind. Over and over again she replayed everything she did with Brendon and cringed at how she fumbled throughout the night. Resulting in an awkward wave goodbye at a quarter to midnight and a silent nod from him.
He was always cold and reserved. It was silly of her to think she could break that exterior, that she would be the exception. For a while it seemed possible that she was making progress, that he might possibly let her in.
The weeks leading up to last night were filled with too long glances and what seemed to be the Dr. Park version of banter: concise comments or questions and a reply met usually with a nod or grunt. And suddenly one late shift he stopped her by the elevator and asked her to grab a coffee sometime. For the rest of the shift she couldn’t stop smiling, giddy like she had been as a teenager being asked out for the first time.
They went to a small cafe, where Brendon became impassioned over his dislike of flavored coffee after being offered a black pepper flavour coffee by the teen behind the counter. And despite a few awkward silences, it went well. He asked about the upper peninsula and her grandmother while she learned about his childhood in New Jersey with his large family and his love of swimming. When the cafe closed he asked her to come over the next day off they shared before kissing her goodbye.
He made pizza, because he needed her to know what New Jersey pizza tasted like. Emma smiled as Brendon explained his mother’s pizza dough recipe in detail, stretching the dough with his fingers expertly. They ate it while watching a movie, Knives Out, because Emma insisted it was a classic. She found that while Brendon was direct and reserved, he was never unkind to her. It was the opposite, really, he was exceedingly gentle, constantly giving her small touches that reassured her. And though it took effort, when he laughed it was open and hearty. His fingers grazed over her legs softly as they rested in his lap, the touch barely there, yet it warmed her whole body.
After the first tentative kisses, she felt confident enough to take the lead, straddling him and running her fingers through his stiff gelled hair. When his hands came up under her shirt, she was quick to tear it off, revealing the only lacy bra she owned. The warmth in her grew seeing his appreciative expression as he pulled back to admire her. He kissed her firmly and picked her up to take her to his bed, swallowing the noise of surprise she made.
The night quickly went downhill after that. Emma cringed, remembering how stiff she had been, how out of sync they were. She could barely hear Brendon over the pounding of her heart in her ears. The few skills of seduction she had escaped her when he slipped inside, the pain making her struggle to remember what to do. When he finished, he helped her clean up with a towel. He was silent, avoiding her gaze as he held her against his chest. Eventually he excused himself to go to the bathroom. The shame of it all brought tears to her eyes as she sat trying to wipe them away so that he wouldn’t see when he returned. He watched her from the doorway and asked if she was alright. Emma tried to give him a convincing smile before saying she was great. He didn’t respond. The silence stretched, feeling suffocating. She excused herself and quickly dressed, explaining that she had a shift in the morning to interrupt Brendon’s urging her to stay the night.
Even after a few hours of restless sleep, the shame was sickening. She itched to text him, apologising, maybe she would beg him for another chance. Yet she refused to hit send on any of the lengthy messages she drafted. She wanted to maintain a shred of her dignity.
The only thing that managed to lessen the nausea that arose at the memory of her performance the night before was the constant rush of work in the ED. She took as much busy work as she could, managing wounds, emptying catheters, inserting IV’s, and managing medications.
She was in the middle of searching the IV cart for more gauze when she felt a looming presence next to her and turned to see who it was. Brendon Park was standing there, eyes intense as he looked her over.
“We need to talk.” He said quietly. It wasn’t a question.
Emma’s heart sped up, shakily she agreed, “Okay.”
They walked through the ED, both of them ignoring questioning looks from a couple of other doctors and nurses. They exited into the ambulance bay, finding a quiet spot where they wouldn’t be seen through the doors.
“Were you a Virgin?” He asked immediately.
Whatever Emma had expected, it wasn’t that, “No.”
He looked surprised by her answer. He took a breath, regarding her carefully, “You were bleeding. There was blood on the condom and the towel.”
Oh. She felt her cheeks burning, looking down to avoid meeting his intense eyes, “Oh. Um. I probably just tore.”
His face fell slightly, his Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. “Were you in pain?”
“I- uh…” Emma didn’t know what to say. She knew he didn’t mean to hurt her, he had been very generous and spent a while with his head between her thighs, “It isn’t you. This is just how I am.”
“What do you mean? You didn’t answer my question.” He was tense, his jaw clenched and his features pulled taut.
“I just- It’s just like this for me. Sex just never stopped hurting for me and I still bleed sometimes.” She said quietly.
“Emma…” Brendon trailed off, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It’s not really something I talk about. It’s never been a problem, no one’s ever noticed anything before.”
He inhaled, frustrated, “I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“It’s fine.” She felt tears starting to well up.
“It’s not fine. Emma, this isn’t-” He stopped himself, softening his voice slightly, “Have you talked to a doctor about this?”
She nodded, “My doctor just said I should try relaxing. Breathing helps a bit sometimes. I read about some things that help, too.”
“You could have told me.”
Emma didn’t know what to say.
“We don’t have to have sex. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”
She tried to shove down the hope that ignited when she noticed he wasn’t using the past tense, “I wanted to have sex with you.”
His gaze was burning into her, making her shift uncomfortably. All she could think to say next was, “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too. I should have talked to you last night.” He continued carefully, watching for her reaction, “There are options, you know? We can use lube and try different positions. We could get a vibrator and use that too.”
“I already have some.” Emma said sheepishly.
Brendon’s smile was mischievous, “Some?”
Nervously she changed the subject and asked, “Does this mean you still want me?”
“Yes. Do you?”
“Yeah.”
He slowly reached for her, holding her hand gently in his, stroking his thumb over hers. They stayed there, both of their pulses slowing as they held onto each other.
