Allism Mom

After much discussion, we here at ASHU have decided that, yes, it is acceptable to refer to them as "Off the spectrum." And for those who have high functioning allism, you may say they are "almost on/just barely off the spectrum"

Thank you for this suggestion and for supporting ASHU!

DISPASSION 

As previously noted, at home, children with allism are easily bored and lack focus. This lack of personal interests, or passions, is often perceived socially as shallowness, and often gets misdiagnosed as depression. 

The reality is that the child with allism flits from hobby to hobby, topic to topic, without ever drinking deeply from one in particular. 

This is rightly perceived as one of the greatest tragedies of allism. Superficiality in general – emotionally, educationally, sensorily – is a hallmark of many allistic traits. 

Don’t despair – even though it might seem impossible, children with allism can have fulfilling lives! 

But many allism parents have a hard time figuring out how to relate to their child who has allism. They often ask, “How am I supposed to bond with my child if they have no deep passions to share with me? How can I live without being able to see my child’s eyes light up as they tell me, in detail, about the evolution family by region of each type of Pokemon, our great national pastime, or dive into the statistics and strategies of a more obscure hobby, like baseball?” 

The best suggestion I can offer is to act as though their constant cycling through fleeting hobbies and interests is their passion. Engage in it with them by helping them constantly find new things to try. 

There is a growing debate between the scientifically minded allism researchers here at ASHU and people suffering from allism concerning person first language.

We at Allism Shuts the Hell Up believe that allism is something a person has/suffers from, not what a person is; people are not defined by their allism.

Organizations like the Allistic Revolution argue that people with allism should be referred to as allistic people, and we simply couldn’t agree more. In our society, the word allistic has become synonymous with idiot. In fact, the ancient Greek root for the word idiot actually refers to a person who has no special skills. Sound familiar?

Why would anyone take pride in having an oral fixation as described by the highly reputable psychologist Sigmund Freud?

Why would anyone take pride in a habit to ramble ceaselessly about nothing of substance and thinking that fascinating things are just mundane or uninteresting?

Why would anyone take pride in being incapable of direct communication and making decoding information that they’re trying to convey the responsibility of the person who doesn’t actually know what’s being said?

There are some people with high functioning allism who tell us that they’re just trying to live meaningful lives with their disability, but we must keep in mind that these high functioning people with allism don’t speak for the low functioning ones. They’re not at all like low functioning people with allism who do nothing but post duck face selfies on Instagram with so much makeup that Bozo would tell them to tone it down. How can these people who are able to clearly vocalize their thoughts be considered the same as the low functioning people with allism who expect normal autistic people to derive meaning from posture and facial expressions? Last time I checked, posture and facial expressions don’t produce words that can deliver a precise meaning.

People with allism should be thanking us for our efforts to correct their defects with Behavior Intervention Through Child Harm (BITCH) therapy. They should be thanking us for our implicit statements of wishing they didn’t exist by conducting research to make prenatal tests/a cure for allism. They should be thanking us for attempting to prevent cases of allism through endangering children by taking away their seat belts in cars and increasing their chances of injury and death in a car accident.

Your child has been diagnosed with allism, and a few worries might be on your mind:

- Why did I have to birth a child who doesn’t live up to my standards of perfection?

- What did I do to deserve having a child who can’t just fit in to society’s norms?

- Will my child ever learn to not be hostile towards autistic people and give up the urge to murder every autistic person they encounter?

- Will my child ever notice that I don’t give a single fuck about what Shelby did?

We at ASHU know what you’re going through, and we wanna reassure you that you’re not alone. Millions of parents just like you are mourning the idyllic children that they never had because they were stolen from them by the scourge of allism.

There is hope. Treatment is available.

ASHU is proud to present our grant program to assist families affected by allism in sending their children to Behavioral Intervention Through Child Harm therapy (or BITCH therapy).

We offer numerous treatment plans, including the following:

• Reducing loquaciousness/eye contact - Your child will be put in a box with a single opening where they’ll be able to see the therapist. They will be expected to sit silently and avoid making eye contact. If they make eye contact and try to start a conversation, the therapist will close the opening, leaving your child alone in a dark box with nobody to pay attention to them. (Details)

• Increasing stimming - Your child will be put in a situation that should result in happy flapping. If they don’t react and continue to have quiet hands, one of our therapists will administer an electric shock while saying “happy flappy!” That’ll be sure to make them stim!

These totally humane treatment methods that are guaranteed to not cause long lasting trauma in the children who go through it will be sure to modify the behavior of your child with allism.

This is a very scientific treatment based on experiments done on dogs to make them more obedient, and people with allism are just that: bestial non human creatures that we can treat like animals to make them more like ideal humans.

A recent play called Kicking up a Row has just started shooting in France, and it’s stirring up controversy within allism advocacy groups.

The play is about a girl named Karen, who has low functioning allism, and her interactions with her autistic family. Her character is portrayed as a literal windbag with big, piercing eyes. Playgoers and critics alike are raving at this stunning portrayal of allism, though many have noted that the character of Karen was extremely annoying.

“We were aiming for the most realistic portrayal of people with allism as possible,” playwright/director Jack Cass commented, “Karen just talks on and on and manages to say nothing at all.”

The Allistic Revolution, an advocacy group for people suffering from allism, has issued a statement about how offensive the play is, saying that it perpetuates negative stereotypes and promotes a negative image of people with allism.

On Twitter, a man whose opinion was neither wanted nor asked for had this to say:

“I’ve seen the play and honestly don’t see what all the fuss is about. As someone who has worked with people with low functioning allism, I can confirm that everything in this play is accurate; from Karen’s constant gossiping to her demeaning statements to her friends, it’s all true. I’ll never forget the part where she tries to get her friends to sell Mary Kay products and takes advantage of their absence to sleep with all their boyfriends. As a Behavioral Intervention Through Child Harm (BITCH) therapist, I officially endorse this play as an accurate portrayal of all people with allism. #ASHUblessyou”

Chicago, IL — A new organization devoted to researching the causes of allism called Allism Shuts the Hell Up (ASHU) has recently publicly announced the controversial findings of a recent study they conducted linking allism with seat belts.

Many doctors have been attempting to discredit the findings of this research study conducted by head researcher Dr. Jack Schitt, pointing to the fact that the study only had a sample size of 12 children with allism. They also certainly aren’t amused by the fact that many of the researchers stated that “knowing Jack Schitt” qualified them to take part in this study.

Against the advice of doctors and public safety officials, local mother Karen has cut all the seat belts out of her car with the hopes that he child wouldn’t fall victim to the allism epidemic. Her teenage son isn’t buying it.

“My oldest son told me that I have lost my mind,” Karen told reporters. “He started using ropes as improvised seat belts whenever he would get in the car. It’s quite honestly a slap in the face that he would do such a thing.”

When asked for a comment, her son simply said, “I think it’s ridiculous that my mom would rather have dead kids than allistic ones.”

Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) practitioner Dr. Chun Lu (蠢驢) says that there is very good reason to believe the findings of this study, providing this hand drawn diagram of acupuncture points that are blocked by seat belts which are closely associated with symptoms of allism:

At that time he still wasn’t focusing on people’s faces much and seemed like a normal newborn.

Allism is a disorder characterized by the following symptoms:

- Excessive eye contact

- Demand for knowledge of/adherence to illogical, inconsistent, unspoken rules (how can rules be known if they’re not spoken?)

- Communicating primarily through subtle and indirect methods (body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc) and expecting others to understand this completely

- The constant desire to socialize

- Lack of passionate interests; doesn’t dive very deeply into subjects they are supposedly interested in

- Frequently gossiping and/or talking for the sake of talking

- Obliviousness to small details (not hearing the hum of florescent lights, not noticing the uncomfortable feelings of tags/stitching in clothing, having an unrefined pallet, etc)

- Lack of stimming

People with allism generally lead unremarkable lives; they complete the bare minimum of education necessary to get a mundane 9-5 job, are unlikely to innovate or trailblaze new fields of study, and are susceptible to buying into scams and cults because of their strong desire to socialize and lack of specialized intelligence (with IQs generally near 100). Many people with allism are hostile (and in some cases, violent) towards autistic people, which can be attributed to their general lack of perspective and unwillingness to accept people’s differences.

When it comes to allism research, one organization stands far above the rest: Allism Shuts the Hell Up (ASHU).

For years, ASHU has been conducting research into the causes of this tragic condition. They hope that their research will lead to creating a reliable prenatal test for allism, and hopefully one day a cure can be found.

For every dollar they receive in donations, a whopping 2¢ is spent on helping people with allism. They also assist families affected by allism with grants to send their children with allism to undergo Behavioral Intervention Through Child Harm (BITCH) therapy.

The symbol of allism pride is the zipper, which we all wish every person with allism would put on their mouths.