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Reece: I think these are terrible ideas, these, um, commentaries, now.

Steve: Why?

Reece: Because we're just— All it is is you with slightly….v-v-veiled comments about me not being nice.

Steve: Well—

Reece: How do you think that makes me feel? I’m actually a human being.

Steve: Yeah, well. It… (Sighs.) It's not—

Reece: Are you’re lost for words now?

Steve: Well, y-y— I have not driven this in a certain way. You were the one who, in, in the second episode, decided to...call the fans…. C-words.

Reece: Well, that— Not all! But certain—

Steve: Well, you did! You did and it gets on my nerves because this is—

Reece: Certain people…

Steve: We wouldn’t have a career if it wasn’t for the fact—

Reece: Oh yeah…

Steve: —that people watch what we do and enjoy what we do and like it, and I hate it when you just pour scorn over it all.

Reece: Some do and some don’t. Yes, I of course appreciate anyone who likes—

Steve: Yeah but 99% do.

Reece: No, they don’t.

Steve: You just go looking, turning over stones, trying to find a fucking, one little comment that you can obsess over.

Reece: I don’t.

Steve sighs.

Reece: They’re very easy to find.

Steve: Anyway, the point being, I didn’t...create this atmosphere. Y—

Reece: There isn’t any atmosphere!

Steve: All right, ssh. Let’s…forget it, okay?

Reece: Yep. (Going back to the commentary.) So this is the moment we’re talking about with the waiting on the…

Steve sighs heavily.

Reece: There’s me being really…like me. It’s coming out. (Pause.) Talk about that voice having to be redone. The voice, Alison Steadman’s voice when it’s deep, like The Exorcist voice, is you, isn’t it?

Steve: Mm.

Reece: You redid it.

Silence.

Steve: That. That’s me.

Reece: When you did that punch, all sound gets taken off. We wanted it suddenly to become very real, have no… There’s no artifice anymore. It’s just like the reality of the room and this… The reality of the terrible thing that you’ve just done. Do you think a punch could kill people? It can, can’t it. (Pause.) Are you not speaking now? You sulking now?

Long silence.

Reece: Did I say “and friend”? I’ll say I say “friends”.

Steve: All right, I’m going.

Reece: What do you mean you’re going?

Steve: I'm going.

Reece: You’re not going.

Steve: I am. (Gets up.) There’s no point.

Reece: You’re not going!

Steve: I am.

Reece: No, you’re not.

Steve: I am, I just… You know, I enjoyed...doing the series. But...

Reece: You’re not going, sit back down and do it.

Steve: I’ve got other things I can do and…

Reece: Come on! That’s— Oh, yeah, you don’t want all the people to think, oh, they’ve not finished the…finished the, uh… the last one, do you?

Steve: Yeah, okay.

Reece: You may as well sit and do it.

Steve: Yeah, well, I did it—

Reece: Sit down!

Steve: No. No, you do it.

Reece: I’m not doing it! I’ve got nothing to fucking say. I didn’t want to do it in the first place, if you remember.

Steve sighs.

Reece: Sit down in the chair now.

Steve: No. No, I’m gonna go.

Reece: (Gets up.) Sit down in that chair. Sit down.

Steve: Get off!

Clattering.

Reece: Sit down in the chair!

Steve: Get off!

Clattering.

Reece: Steve!

Steve: Reece.

More clattering.

Reece: Fucking sit down!

Sounds of a struggle.

Reece: Fucking— Get off, you’re nipping me!

Steve hisses and Reece shouts.

Steve: Right, say sorry.

Reece: (Kicking.) No!

Steve: Say sorry then.

Reece: Get off!

Steve: Say sorry.

Reece struggling.

Steve: Say sorry.

Reece: No!

Reece yelps. Bang. Crash.

Silence.

Steve moves away and breathes shakily.

Steve: (Quietly.) Reece? (Muttering.) Fucking hell... (Louder.) Reece?

Steve breathes shakily and sniffs.

Steve: Shit.

Steve moves around, breathing heavily. He coughs.

Steve: Um. Yeah, police. Um, ambulance. Um, there’s been…there’s been a, a, a fall.

Clatter. Steve sniffs.

Steve: Um. Okay.

Steve moves about.

Steve: Er, so it’s just getting to the end where, uh, Reece’s character is, um… (Clattering.) Um, obviously… (Rustling.) His character's feeling…feeling guilty over… (Shakes bin liner, more rustling.) Over what he’s done. (Sniffs.) And it was, ironically, one of his best performances.

Rustling. Clattering.

Steve: Um, I think… We don’t know if we’ve got a… (Slots plug into socket, flicks switch.) a third series yet.

Steve sniffs and breathes heavily. He gags. Bang in the distance. Silence.

Steve: Hello?

Silence.

Steve: Hello?

Silence.

Steve: Um, but…

Steve sobs and gags. Loud whirring. He gags. The whirring stops and Steve continues gagging. Rustling.

Steve: Um. Yeah, it was… It was a really… (Coughs.) A really fun episode to do. (Sniffs.) With, uh…

Whirring resumes. Whirring stops.

Steve: (Panting.) With all the…special effects. (Rustling.) Nice to do the horror…the horror tropes. Although you hated tropes, you hated tropes, you hated…

Drowned out by the whirring.

Steve gags, whirring stops.

Steve: (Panting.) It’s good to horror trope.

Rustling. Steve coughs and gags. Spits.

Steve: (Panting, whispering.) Oh, god. And now he feels… Now he feels guilty…because the…the past has come back to…

Whirring starts and stops.

Steve: (Whispering.) Oh, fucking hell. Fucking hell. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm—

Whirring starts up again.

Stops. Steve pants.

Steve: Anyway. (Sniffs.) Anyway, I, uh…. I’ve got, uh… I’ve got some ideas for, uh… (Sniffs.) For series three. (Sniffs.) Which we really… (Rustling.) We really hope we can... (Grunts.) Get on with.

Dragging and rustling.

Steve: I'm just... (Rattling and shaking.) Cleaning myself. (Sniffs.) Yeah, so… (Breathes out.) So that’s it. There’s… William coming out of the cot. To haunt him. And, uh… It’s interesting at this point we had to… (Sniffs.) Uh, it was really hard to get the stain on the trousers. It, uh, it had to be done in post, uh... (Sniffs.) Post-production. Uh. Reece Shearsmith.

Silence.