I Want To Live

1 year.

I cannot personally believe it has been one year since you passing on. I miss you every single day, I have changed so much in the last year .. I have officially changed my name and told everyone else in my family about being a boy and they all still love me for me, but I think you laid the path for me all those years ago when you came out and took the harsh feelings of the family.

I promised on your 1 year mark that I would share your story and how you passed on. So I guess here it is.

I was planning on escaping to yours as I always did on a Friday, but mom was being a little bit of a rear end as she would say. So I decided to stay home and make her happy when I get your text

“I am so sorry Beamley, I will forever be by your side. You’ve made me so proud to be your elder brother .. Please take care of hunt and mom”

I knew something was going on because Beamley was rarely used by you.

I never even knew you felt the way you did, you kept those feeling bottled up so well.

I followed your request to arrive at your apartment 4 hours later. Mom and Hunt were behind me in the hall when I unlocked and opened your place. When I entered everything was the way it was last time I was there, nothing moved next to you placing a single image of everyone together on my 1st birthday.

I called out your name and no answer so I just assumed you had headphones on and couldn’t hear a thing, so like always just went to your room to get you when I saw you laying there nicely dressed in the suit you wore to my graduation a few days before. I shook you as hard as I could to wake you but none to the veil worked, that is when I saw the letters by your side and I just screamed to get mom and hunt attention before the tears became overwhelming. When they came into the room I was reading the letter addressed to myself and all I could say looking up at them was “he killed himself because he couldn’t be what we wanted of him”. At that point my mom hit the floor beside me and cried because you were her first child she birthed.

We then did the regular call the police and ambulance etc.

I still see myself in dreams seeing you laying there motionless, lifeless. I hate the fact that I found you.

June 3rd 2016, you passed on to our lord and saviour. a year ago you lost your battle to mental health.

You will forever be in our hearts no matter what Maverick.

Yours,

Greyson