ZBar (The Deli)
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ZBar (The Deli)
July 25, 2014Coming soon...

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The Saloon
DR. TEQUILA: Another bar where I have yet to have a good experience. Its another basement bar as well. The Saloon is one of the better known bars in State College, every drinker in this town has a story about drinking too many monkey boys and... fill in the rest, choose your own adventure. I guess at this point I should explain the monkey boy. It’s a pitcher of ice filled with about 9 kinds of alcohol then some kind of mixer. There are many different flavors. My previous go-to has always been “bong water” but I tried a root beer and an iced tea this night. They were both pretty good. Monkey boys are strong as FUCK but they sure don’t taste like it. They go down as smooth as sody pop. This means that you can put quite a few away before you even start to feel much. It’s a recipe for disaster. The monkey boy is pretty much the only thing this bar has going for it. It has low ceilings, sticky floors, one pool table that is a piece of shit, and a “stage”, all of this in a space not much larger than a wal-mart bathroom. The mens room is a real treat too, you gotta love a stainless steel toilet trough, I guess. The band was alright, Velveeta. They play a good mix and they know how to work a crowd. I don’t really have much to say about the crowd except that there were too many people in a small space. The selection of tequila was pretty standard. They had Cuervo and 1800. I was not impressed with the staff. I opened a tab on my first drink. Shortly thereafter I went up for round 2. I talked to the same bartender but he didn’t remember me. At this point there were only about 15 people in the place. I find that a little annoying, also I got kicked out. Admittedly I was drunk, but all I did was stumble a little bit. I didn’t bump into anyone or anything and yet I was nabbed by some little piss ant bouncer. The really shitty part is I got the entire party kicked out. I’m not sure why. Like I said I was drunk, but it’s a bar. Isn’t that the point. Anyway, fuck this bar.
Selection: 2/5 Noise: 2/5 Aesthetics: 0/5 Comfort: 2/5 Crowd: 2/5 Staff: 0/5 OVERALL: 8/30
HOP GOON: Dr. Tequila's right, Monkey Boys do go down smooth as sody pop, probably because they almost definitely are. Accompanied with a hearty scoop of ice, that high fructose corn lovin' masks any semblence of alcoholic taste, and with a double-barrel straw stuffed in your mouth trying like hell to finish your first one and order a second before happy hour's over and the price gets jacked up to something insane ($15?) ... well, you can imagine how easy it is to get wasted here.
I have lots of nostalgia for this place. Friends turning 21 often went here. Friends looking to get wasted often went here. The crowd is a different beast, pumped up by shitty liquor and caffeinne and looking to dance. And I will dance here, at least for a few songs at a time. The dance floor is almost impossible to avoid, anyway, since the limited seating is practically on top of those black and white dancefloor tiles anyway.
I always try to get the band to play some Bad Religion when I am here. I don't know why, but they never know any. I think Velveeta did play a lick of "American Jesus," at least. They were a solid band, and exactly like every other band I've seen here. They played the Rock Band soundtrack. They did it well, and there are some songs I like, of course. But it's nothing interesting.
The selection isn't great, if you're looking for anything besides Monkey Boys. I ended up drinking their only IPA on draft, Troeg's Perpetual, which I certainly won't complain about! (The price was something like $5.50; typical in that you're getting shafted, but there's nothing you can do about it.) I think there's a BudMillerCoors pitcher available for about the same price, but I don't really remember because by the point where I was considering that, I was probably getting pretty trashed myself. Maybe I got one, I have no idea.
If you step outside, you get to hang out on Heister Street. The mural opposite the Saloon entrance is fun to look at, and sometimes passersby will stop and ask for a smoke or some conversation.
As far as how comfortable it is inside, well... it gets packed pretty quickly, so you better enjoy cramming in with strangers and working your way through tight crowds to get to the bar. It's pretty bad in the summer and it's insane during the schoolyear. The upside is, there's a good possibility of actually getting to know some strangers, share a shot, enjoy a dance together. It's certainly a place to mingle.
The Noise level, if you're not dancing, is awful. We're talking shouting-in-your-neighbors-ear-and-explicitly-enunciating levels. Again, if you're wasted, and looking to get close to some strangers, it fits. But this is not a bar to relax in. Depends what you're looking for.
Also, the bathrooms pretty much set the standard impossibly low. At least the stainless steel trough was shiny.
Selection: 2/5 Noise: 2/5 Aesthetics: 3/5 Comfort: 2/5 The Crowd: 4/5 The Staff: 3/5 OVERALL: 16/30
Bill Pickle's Tap Room
DR. TEQUILA: Pickles is one of my favorite bars in town under the right circumstances. It’s what I would call a “Cinderella bar,” meaning that up until a certain hour of the night it’s an awesome enchanted wonderland of casual inebriation. After that hour however, usually around 7:00, all of the magic falls away and you may find yourself hunched over your beverage like parched troll trying with every fiber of your being to ignore the 22 year old drunk college dick yelling over your shoulder at the overwhelmed bar tender to “give me 6 Yeager bombs, bro!” Its awful. We rolled in around 9:00. The place was definitely hopping but we found a table right by the window. We ordered pitchers at our table. The waitress was very attentive and kept a close eye on our glasses all night. The crowd was your standard mix, nothing to insane, except for one wildly drunk older lady sudsy, goon, and myself started talking to outside. She insisted we go back inside and meet her brother to tell him that she was “very polite” or something like that. So we did, he seemed cool. He was with a younger kid who apparently laughed like a mule whenever anyone said “fine 70s bush.” After he told me this I worked the phrase into a story and sure enough he laughed like a mule. I’ve never heard anything like it. Mr Mojito and some other friends were back at our table so we returned to continue drinking. I decided it was time to test the tequila selection. I ordered medium shelf tequila and I was informed as usual that they had Cuervo, 1800, and Patron. I bit the bullet and started drinking Patron. As I sipped my over priced tequila I looked around to take in the atmosphere. I really like the set up of Pickles. The ceilings are high; the lighting is perfect for me. The bar itself is fairly large with three sides like a thrust stage. Tables and a booth or two are spread out around it. As far as entertainment goes, you got one of those plastic dart boards, the walls are lined with flat screen tvs and there are tunes on via stereo system controlled from a strange crows nest near the ceiling. They were playing a good mix of classic rock and modern hits. It was alright. My favorite element however are the large windows at the front of the bar room. They look out on Allen street, which has fairly heavy foot traffic, so people watching is the best. I saw some sights that night.
All in all it was a good bar experience although they did close down at 1am as opposed to 2am as we are accustomed. The bouncer said it was summer hours. I could understand if there was no business but the place was packed. But what do I know?
Selection: 3/5 Noise: 4/5 Aesthetics: 5/5 Comfort: 5/5 Crowd: 4/5 Staff: 4/5 OVERALL: 25/30
HOP GOON: There are my notes from Pickles:
Immediate server
Checked in [she kept checking up on our drinks]
Lots of old people
Noise level "OK" at 10 [pm]
Seating options limited. Luckily, got the "big" table
Open windows. Easy light
I don't really have much to say about Pickles. It's kind of boring. It's got a nice open feel, but the seating is mostly limited to 4 person tables (except for the 6 person one we got, but my back was unfortunately to the window all night, and also hurting from the stiff wooden seating.) The "decoration" of flat screens playing sports doesn't really do it for me; there's not much to look at even though the lighting is nice and the ceilings are high. It's fun to take a break and step out onto Allen street, and I did enjoy our encounter with Mo and the mule, but otherwise the crowd was a strange mix of older alumni and younger fellas, sharing a tendency for pastel colored polos. The bottle selection is good, better than most; they had Flower Power IPA on draft which I drank very reasonably priced pitchers of all night.
Everything about Pickles is reasonable. The kitchen is open late, but only serving a limited menu of overpriced fried appetizers. (I got the signature peanut butter wings to start the night.) The bathrooms are reasonably nice, with little TVs installed in front of the urinals, but the crowd you have to meander thru to get there (or to the bar) can be annoying. The server was more than attentive to our needs, but not very interesting or personable (or at least not memorable). She kept us complacent to the point where we never really had to get up.
Certainly reasonable, but ultimately kind of dull. This is a fun bar to come to in the summer during the day for a burger and a brew, but it's not at the top of my list for "fun places to go to at night."
Selection: 4/5 Noise: 3/5 Aesthetics: 3/5 Comfort: 2/5 The crowd: 2/5 The staff: 3/5 OVERALL: 17/30
The Arena
MAY 30, 2014 / 9:30–1:30
HOP GOON: THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.
That's the sound of the band having an ear-splitting sound test as we settled in, ordering drafts from a menu with no prices, enunciating loudly to our waitress. A stack of stereos blasting practice riffs meant we were shouting at each other across the table before our first beers even arrived. Not a great start.
We've been to Arena a bunch of times in the past, but I've never been there for live music before. I was hoping it was karaoke night, but no. Live music it was, and I wasn't looking forward to it.
But before the band even started their first set, the background music pumped out of those speakers at the same volume. How annoying. Before long, we migrated from our table to the only pool table and started shooting some balls. A good decision; not only was it fun and not-too-crowded around the table, it was farther away from the speakers, and easier to talk. Like The Night's Watch with our staffs, we played for the rest of the night.
And the band did get better; I was first amused when the bar brought them some drinks and a sample from The Price is Right ("Come on down!") played during their shot-taking. Dr. Tequila described them as a cover band that was a parody of a cover band, and they did have stamina and talent, as they eventually proved with some interesting medleys. They seemed to get better as they drank more.
It's a pretty relaxed atmosphere in there; there's not much threat of getting kicked out like at a downtown bar. Then again, it's a bit of a hassle to get to, as it's about an hour's walk from the south side of town, or a $10 cab ride. If you live near The Arena, though, it's probably your only option, but it could be worse.
The crowd was fun and approachable, though. One group of gals was secretly taking pics of Dr. Tequila, and eventually admitted that they thought he was Jason Segal.
Our server did tend to us the whole night with a smile, and while not very forward with supplying prices (Specials? Yeah, Bud Light pitchers...), the overall bill wasn't too bad. I sure had a solid headache for only paying about $20. But then again, some other folks supplied me with Rumplemintz shots. Yikes.
Selection: 3/5 Noise: 2/5 Aesthetics: 3/5 Comfort: 3/5 Crowd: 4/5 Staff: 3/5 OVERALL: 18/30
DR. TEQUILA: The Arena is another one of my favorites. I really like the atmosphere and the set up. The Name is actually very descriptive of the way the bar is arranged. It’s a rectangular space. Booth seating runs along both side walls raised about 5 feet above the floor. Like an arena. There is table seating below. The bar is in the front as you enter, it is also raised a few steps. On the far end of the room there is a fairly large stage. The ceilings are high. There are no windows but the lighting is perfect. The wait staff is always friendly and attentive. The bartenders seem a little surely but they take good care of the regulars. . It’s kind of like a roadhouse bar so don’t be surprised to see a lot of denim and carhartts.
the selection is alright. They do not have a very good tequila selection however. I ended up drinking Patron and running up a staggering tab. The bottled beer selection is pretty good. If you want a beer on tap you’re going to end up drinking Bud, Miller, Yeungling, or Molson. I’ve seen worse to be sure but In a bar that size I expect more. It’s an attractive venue for bands. On this particular evening it was a band called gas station disco. We had never heard of them. We found a table and ordered drinks. The band hadn’t officially started yet, but they proceeded to subject us to an earsplitting and extensive sound check. It was pretty much 20 min of rhythmless snare/kick beats and atonal guitar/bass/vocal wails amplified through some serious speaker stacks. The night was off to a bad start. I started drinking. I had harbored no hope that the music would be enjoyable. Much to my surprise however the band was pretty awesome. They started off by playing early 2000s pop covers. I’m thinking “ok here we go, another shitty cover band” I was wrong. Once I figured out that they are less of a straight up cover band and more of a parody of a cover band I started to enjoy it. They were talented and engaging. They had great stage presence. They had great energy, and they played a nice mix of crowd favorites. I recommend seeing this band if you get the chance. All in all this is a good bar and I had a good time. Got drunk, played some pool, listened to a solid band, and hit on girls from Wiliamsport. One of those nights. Selection: 4/5 Noise: 3/5 Aesthetics: 5/5 Comfort: 5/5 Crowd: 3/5 Staff: 4/5 OVERALL: 24/30
The Autoport (Clems BBQ / Toast)
MAY 23, 2014 / 9:45 P.M.–2 A.M.
SUDSY: Am I at the Autoport or Clem's BBQ? Whichever you choose to call it, I do always enjoy my time when it's a part of my evening; the liesurely walk to start, snagging a nice sturdy wooden table or comfy plush armchair, the attentive and friendly servers, a decent volume for conversation, and the deck outside with accompanying firepits. It's kinda hard to go wrong here. Even though on this escursion we found ourselves by ourselves around ten o'clock, there have definitely been nights where the crowd can be at a tolerable and enjoyable size.
I should mention that we spent the last hour at Toast, the smoking bar across the lobby, which I chose not to include in my scoring process.
OVERALL SCORE: 20/30 (Selection: 3, Noise: 4, Aesthetics: 4, Comfort: 4, The Crowd: 2, The Staff: 3)
HOP GOON: We've been to the Autoport many times. Sometimes that gets us funny looks when we list it as one of our favorite bars, because it has a reputation for being a swingers lounge. (Although none of us are married, we have witnessed some funny business there before...)
Regardless, this was our second bar on the list, and a polar opposite in terms of bias. Where I expected The Phyrst to be a horrible experience, I've had nothing but good times at the Autoport, but I tried to remain impartial and see it as if I had never been there before.
One of the great things about Autoport is choice. There's not one, but two bars in the building, which is by the way fairly ancient (for State College, at least). According to the History page on their website:
In 1936, a local businessman by the name of Marion B. Meyer traveled from State College to Miami, Florida, where he came across something he had never seen before. It was a service station which repaired cars, provided gas and oil, offered home cooked meals, and comfortable lodging. It was called a motel which was short for “motor hotel.” The main building was designed in what was known as the “art-deco” style of architecture.
He was so excited about this modern way of providing services to travelers that he brought this idea back to State College. Mr. Meyer knew that travelers would appreciate a comfortable place to stay overnight, have their car serviced, and enjoy a delicious meal before heading out of town. He called his new business the Autoport and it became the first motel in Pennsylvania.
Since then the Autoport has seen many changes including the service garage being converted into a coffee shop, the addition of a heated pool, a lounge, and modern motel rooms replaced all but five of the original cottages.
Many changes, indeed. Since we'd last been at The 'Port, Clems BBQ appears to have teamed up (or absorbed??) the major restaurant side of the building, resulting in a new menu, some new decor, and stylistic changes—draft beers are now served in mason jars, for instance. (Works for me.) They retain a fairly solid list of beers at reasonable prices. I had three different IPAs over the course of the night without putting a terrible strain on the wallet. I also tried some kind of apple pie moonshine (also served in a mason jar) which was pretty sweet and delicious.
The furniture is varied and allows for a lot of different options and body language situations. There's the huge wooden table with straightforward chairs where we spent most of the night comfortably. There's also couches, loads of different chairs, and you're not just limited to being indoors—there's loads of seating outside as well, including some interesting square tables surrounding propane firepits, and if you visit on nice summer days, you can apparently take your drinks into the pool.
And that's just one half of the bar! The other side is called Toast. It's the Hyde to the interesting-but-tasteful Jekyll; darker lighting, much louder (there used to be a stage, but tonight just an expensive MP3 jukebox to which we played a game of "Thunderstruck"), and full of much rowdier locals. Dr. Tequila ended up getting sucked into a game of pool. The Undead Bartender somehow fell asleep. The seating on this side is a bit less comfortable, but still varied: benches, tall seats, free floating chairs with cushions you can sink into. A drum serves as a table. The beer selection on this side is different from the other side. And smoking is allowed in Toast, for better or worse.
If I want to nitpick, our server wasn't great. On the Clem's side, before midnight, it cleared out and left us as, literally, the only people in the bar, but our server seemed to only feel like checking on us every 30 minutes or so. (That also makes it hard to score the crowd; I can't say we were bothered, obviously, but we also didn't meet any interesting characters. Things were much different on the Toast side.) But I love that there's a bar where you can go to chill out, bullshit without having to shout over loud music, and have a good time with your friends. Autoport is all about choice. It's a bit bipolar, but I dig it.
Oh yeah, the bathrooms are fucking nice, too.
OVERALL SCORE: 24/30 (Selection: 4, Noise: 5, Aesthetics: 5, Comfort: 5, The Crowd: 2, The Staff: 3)
DR. TEQUILA: This has always been one of my favorite bars in State College. The Autoport refers to collection of establishments all under the same management. I suppose first and foremost it’s a motel with an adjacent restaurant, clems, famous in these parts for their pulled pork. The restaurant is flanked by two bars. There is the “classy” side with a fireplace inside and crushed velvet couches. It has large windows that look out on a fire pit festooned deck, and beyond that, a pool. Top that off with an impressive selection of liquor and a decent variety of beer on tap and you’ve got yourself a swanky ass pub my friend. Follow a hallway that runs along the front of the building past the restaurant, past the front desk, and through a small door and you will find yourself at the Toast. Calling the “classy side” classy is not intended to imply that the Toast is a dive. Its small but the seating is arranged comfortably, and the lighting is perfect. There is a small bar, a pool table, and a jukebox. Drinking at the Toast always makes me feel like a beatnick, especially because you can smoke. The only problem is that the drink selection sucks. They only have a handful of beers on tap and a measly little shelf of hootch. But if you want to chase your quervo with yuengling this is the spot for you. As it turns out, that’s exactly what I wanted to do. We spent a little time at both bars. We started on the “classy side”, got some grub, and drank micobrews. The only problem with the “classy side” is the crowd, or the lack thereof. The people who drink on this side seem to fall into two basic categories. You’ve got your older folk, mostly married couples out for some food and a few beers before bedtime at 9:00. Then you’ve got your wayward travelers. These are the people who are staying at the motel. They mostly work construction. They are interesting to talk to but they mostly like to keep to themselves with their eyes glued to whatever sport is on the flat screen. The service was decent on this side. The bartender was friendly, knowledgeable, and patient. The waitress was ok. She seemed to lose her focus toward the end of the night, all in all though I can’t badmouth the service. After we got good and tipsy we headed over to the Toast. It was rockin. People were playing pool, the jukebox was jumping, and everyone seemed to be having a good time. The drinks are affordable and there was never much of a wait time at the bar. The bartender must have been new because he was in a little over his head. He kept forgetting that I had opened a tab, and once he poured me the wrong kind of tequila. I forgive him though. Got drunk, played pool, good time. Selection: 4/5 Noise: 4/5 Aesthetics: 5/5 Comfort: 5/5 Crowd: 3/5 Staff: 3/5 OVERALL: 24/30

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The Phyrst
MAY 16, 2014 / 9:00 P.M.–MIDNIGHT
SUDSY: Although this wasn't my first time at the Phyrst, I tried to approach the evening with a clean mind, untainted by my previous experiences. I was pleasantly surprised! I was able to approach the bar with no trouble, get the attention of one of the many barmaids, and receive my drink, all within a couple minutes after paying my cover; granted it was summertime. We found a table with ease and were tended to, semi-frequently, throughout the night by a couple of female servers. The atmosphere was tolerable; not very bright (fine by me) with the music only being a tad loud. All was well until I tripped myself outside and stumbled into a cigarette receptacle resulting in my dismissal from the bar. Pretty lame; however, I'm sure the bouncer felt like a big man that night. OVERALL SCORE: 15/30 (Selection: 3, Noise: 2, Aesthetics: 2, Comfort: 2, The Crowd: 3, The Staff: 3)
HOP GOON: It actually wasn't as bad as I truly expected it to be. The Phyrst is known for being the only place in State College that won't sharpie your hands with X's on the night you turn 21—in other words, it's the place to get wasted for State College's virgin legal drinkers. The serving staff, made up entirely of attractive females, definitely perpetuate that vibe with ridiculous low-cut ripped shirts (do they have to get each other to tie them in the back?). Don't get me wrong, they're hot and all, but I actually felt kind of uncomfortable ordering drinks! (But there was some staff revolving around on the floor, doing a pretty good job of delivering drinks to us.)
I don't know too much about the selection of drinks because once I discovered they had Bell's Two-Hearted Ale for a reasonable (for a bar—five or six dollars a bottle—not great, but acceptable) price, that's basically what I stuck to. However, Dr. Tequila ordered a round of tequila shots, which did arrive with salt and lime slices, so that was an impressive touch.
I was delighted to run into a friend and coworker who frequents The Phyrst. He about shit his pants when I explained we were going on a 30 bar bar tour—no, no, not all tonight! (And I was briefed on something called a golf bar tour, which sounds fun.) Regardless, he actually knew one of the wait staff who was chilling out on her night off, and she claimed to generally like working here. My pal also taught us the rules to Table Wars, which basically consists of chanting melodically: "WE ARE TABLE NUMBER FIVE, NUMBER FIVE, NUMBER FIVE! WE ARE TABLE NUMBER FIVE! WHERE THE FUCK IS TAAAAAABLE....NINE?!?!?!" and passing it off to another table. (Tables that don't respond get booed.) (We were "Table at the Wall," which was cool.)
In other words, if you want to go to a bar that makes you feel like you're in boy scout camp, go to The Phyrst. Really, we had a pretty good time.
'Til Sudsy got kicked out, anyway. The doormen sure have a stick up their ass! That knocked this a few points down the ladder. And the cover band was pretty annoyingly loud by that point, anyway. But all in all... I'd go back. OVERALL SCORE: 17/30 (Selection: 4, Noise: 2, Aesthetics: 3, Comfort: 3, The Crowd: 3, The Staff: 3)
DR. TEQUILA: Ah the Phyrst... I don’t think I’ve ever really had a “good time” at this bar. Sure, I drank my face of there on numerous occasions but I’ve never had a good experience there. I think the main thing I dislike about the Phyrst is the atmosphere. It’s a hole. It’s a dingy dark windowless basement deep below street level. Philosophically I can see that there is some charm in that, but in reality it feels like a dungeon. It has low ceilings close walls and poor lighting. It’s hard not to feel crowded. It’s also hard to have any substantial ventilation so the place has a persistent smell that is a mixture of piss, stale beer, and desperation. On top of all of that non-sense they try to pack a shitty cover band down there, loud, repetitive, and terrible. On the plus side the beer selection ain’t bad. They have a variety of craft beers on tap and a bottle selection that’s decent for a downtown college bar. Their tequila selection leaves much to be desired however. I ordered a round of medium shelf and got 1800… For those of you who aren’t tequila drinkers that’s like ordering spare ribs at a restaurant and getting one of those little preformed rib meat patties. The waitress did bring salt and limes without being asked. Meh. This brings me to the staff. We got there a little early and a waitress was very attentive to our needs at first. As the night progressed and the crowd grew she seemed to forget about us, understandable but annoying. The crowd which I was most apprehensive about turned out to be not bad. People who seemed like strangers seemed to interact with each other readily. They play a game called table wars that is entertaining enough. I think that if we were to make ourselves regulars we would easily assimilate. Due to the atmosphere however, I have no desire to do so and so the quest continues. Selection: 3/5 Noise: 1/5 Aesthetics: 2/5 Comfort: 2/5 Crowd: 4/5 Staff: 3/5 OVERALL: 15/30